So...

Yesterday, 08Feb24 was my first day of radiation for Stage 1 prostate cancer.  (Proton Beam Therapy, more on that at a later date.)

It's been a bit of a trek getting here.  Pretty anticlimactic.  Still exhausted from yesterday, and not so much for today's radiation.  Nothing to do with the treatment, just unloading all the suppressed anticipation now that it is really, well real.

The first intimation was 17Apr23, when my PSA (Prostate Specific Antigen) came in slightly above normal range.  Not much to worry about, but the level change over the last few checkups hockey sticked.  Still only maybe a 10% change of something and even then not much chance it will need treatment in this lifetime.

Some more reviews but still seeming pretty innocuous.  A 3D MRI on 18Jul found a couple lesions.  Geesh, aka mass, aka tumor, aka so on and so forth. Beat the odds this time, and again there was only a 10% chance of it needing treatment.

On 11Aug24 a biopsy.  Even with the heavy bit of local anesthesia a number of the 17 samples hurt like the dickens.  It showed a Gleason score of 4 + 3.  The results were explained on 17Aug.  The score meant Intermediate Unfavorable.  Which I think means, there's some significant cancer which is aggressive enough to require treatment or close monitoring which in itself is invasive and damaging.

After that it's been a procedure here, a procedure there, more diagnostic tests, wash, rinse, and repeat.  More details later.  It's been enough thinking about it today, and I'm sure tedious for anyone stumbling across this.

Making the blog unindexed until I've told more people.

Hiatus Over (Again)?

Finally recovered my blog account, mostly accident.  Checking print functionality on my yahoo account which I don't think I've ever used.  The name is the same as I used for hotmail years ago which I used for monster.com, before the site imploded.  Did I use that now defunct correlating hotmail account for the blog?  Sure enough.  Even though I couldn't reactivate the email I was able to use it to login here.

Now, should I prioritize changing to a more mobile friendly format before using it?  Should I blog an upcoming personal journey here?  Should I let it stay quiescent?

I wonder if I can make the old posts private?

Getting boring background stuff out of the way.  I was kind of happy to see my counts for the last post were zero.  Not afraid to share, it's just not my aim at this point.  I don't know if it ever will be.

Tuesday I shot pictures for Freehold's Engaged Theatre Tour's production of The Winter's Tale.  Most of the shows I've done in recent years have been Shakespeare in the park.  I arrived a little early and the start for this, the last dress rehearsal started a little late as some cue work needed to get done first.  There is a magic before a performance, different people preparing in different ways.  There is an intense energy, often quiet which permeates.  I found it catchy and had to do some stretches and a few (very quiet) vocal and articulator warm-ups which relieve stress for me.

I've worked on a few shows with young/inexperienced directors and stage managers who insist on having everybody participate in warm-ups they liked in training.  The upside is this reminds folks to prepare, but someone else's warm-ups are not everyone's cup of tea and can unwind prep work they just did.  It is a blissfully ignorant bit of power politics usually motivated by good intentions.  If you gotta do that to your cast, leave them sufficient time to do their prep after your version of morning military drills.  That is rarely done, and in my experience only if someone asks for the time to be adjusted, and then only for a couple nights.  And for me watching individuals warm up in their own ways is something special to see.

Back to photography.  I'm only a little familiar with the play, partly because it is hard to follow.  It is considered one of the 'problem plays'.  Yet I thought it was quite good, even with my head in view finders or watching my feet as I moved about I miss most of it.  I hope to go see it as an audience member because it seemed like the best production I've seen of the play.

I haven't shot a show in about a year and only remembered at the last minute to sync up the camera clocks so that the shots from the three different cameras can be sorted in correct chronological order.  The last few times I shot productions I made an effort to keep the number of pictures down.  Didn't so much this time and ended up with over 900 shots.  A lot, but not the most of any show.  The hard part is getting the proofs of all the shots loaded the next day after work.  Then there were wrinkles with using Flickr so I used DropBox and it turned out there were issues with disk space and permissions for clients.  Fixed the later, but the former would have taken hands on with their computer, so copied from DropBox and loaded them to Flickr at work.  Gack!  Now to start culling and processing those I like best.

I was tired last night and forgot to watch a Tim Burton movie in honor of Mum's birthday.  I guess tonight will be the night.

Rebooting

I'm rebooting my journal here.  I decided to take a facebook vacation, and twitter too though I don't do much there.  The next to last straw was a post several weeks earlier when a facebook 'friend' posted a hateful anti-transgender meme based on the cowardice of sharing a bathroom with another person.  This same person is an outlier for actors and posts trump kissing, racist, and Islamophobic posts.  Most good actors I know tend to have more open minds -- this person doesn't do anything to break down the stereotype.  Never seen them affected by another actor or try to affect another actor with more than line readings (indicating).

The final straw was when I asked myself, "In your relationship with social media, which one of you is the tool?"  I didn't like my answer.

So, back to the journal which has some, but not an exclusive focus on my artistic journey as an actor.  A journey which opened me back up to other artistic endeavors such as writing and photography.

When I started this blog on 01Jun04 I was immersed in the final weeks of the Meisner Progression at Freehold.  Fourteen years later I took the class again, and finished again about a month ago.  Why repeat Meisner?  I'll talk about that more in subsequent posts.  In the meantime to summarize I felt I was really ready and hungry for that naturalistic approach feeling I wasn't really ready the first time.  I was seriously thinking of leaving the area and wanted to get the chance while I could.  As it turned out I retained much more than I realized and learned so much more than than I expected.

A quick example.  This Summer I'm working with Last Leaf Productions again, cast in Twelfth Night and King Lear.  Rehearsals were during the last term of Meisner, and we opened June 15th, just three days after our public performance and last day of Meisner.  I wasn't able to do as much homework as I wanted.  The homework I did manage was more focused and productive.  The last three or four rehearsals Kent whom I played is there with the dead Cordelia and dying Lear and I teared up every time, and have for our first three performances of King Lear.  Not something I expected to do, but comes from doing and trusting the work and your scene partners.  The well loved scene with Oswald -- "What a brazen-faced varlet art thou, to deny thou knowest me! Is it two days since I tripped up thy heels, and beat thee before the king?" -- is also more fun and different.  The changes in the character come as a result of homework, and of course most importantly listening.

Last Saturday we did both shows for the Seattle Outdoor Theater Festival.  It was a sweltering day, but not brutally so though it was warmer there than the official 84.  Aaron was down for a quick visit arriving just as we finished the second show which was King Lear.  I didn't take time to wind down and headed straight home after we struck the set and props.  Then off to pick up take out which we opted to eat there in the splendor of a/c.  Then we watched the old movie Michael.  It demonstrated I need to decompress after an intense role like Kent.  It's a funny show, but I laughed like crazy like my Dad used to when his funny bone was tickled.  That unwinding from a heightened state needs to get done, and while that was a very fun way to do so I should be careful about putting it off.  Don't want to rebuild walls it has taken so long to tear down.

Tomorrow is Mom's birthday.  The night she died I watched Frankenweenie with my friend Richard at the IMax at Seattle Center, and on the way stopped to see her.  I'll never know if she was aware, as I got the call the next morning at about 5AM informing me she had just died.  I couldn't bear the idea of staying home that day, so after work I picked up Dark Shadows from RedBox.  So, now on the her birthday and on the anniversary of her death I try to watch a Tim Burton movie.  I missed Mother's Day this year, but maybe that was overdoing it.  So many fun choices...

Fair Travels Mum

This header was used while Mum was in hospice.
===================================================

Allie's Journey

For the next several months this will be dedicated to information pertinent to Allene M. Maddock. Her care has been assumed by Hospice as of 06Apr12.

Please feel free to call or write her. If you call be patient and take time to explain who you are. Currently she remembers, but you have to help her focus so she truly knows who she is talking to at the moment. We have to do this too, and I frequently say something like, "Yes this is Scott, your oldest."

Her phone is area code two-zero-six, and the number is xxx xxxx.
Her Address:
Allie Maddock
c/o Queen Ann Manor
100 Crockett Street
Seattle, Washington
    98109

===================================================
Annie the hospice nurse on duty called me at 5AMf (0500). Mom died at 0430 this morning. I posted the following as a comment to my post on fb announcing my Mum had died:

I popped over to pick up the few things she had in the hospital type room she moved to last Tuesday--mostly cards and little things I've dropped off weekly. I had a silly little game, a birthday card a week since her birthday. This Thursday would have been her 79th birthday + 12 weeks. She wanted to make it to 80, and she liked the way I worded it. So, it is 12 weeks into her 80th year.

She was still in the room when I arrived, and it was comforting which surprised me. The tension she carried from the pain the last year or so was gone and released tension lines eased. Her face was so peaceful and I could again see the beautiful woman she was when I was five.

I don't know of any memorial service at this point. We (the kids, and any others who desire to go) are planning to take her and Jack, her husband who died eleven years ago, to Neah Bay for a family farewell to spread their ashes. She wanted that, and couldn't remember what they'd celebrated as their anniversary, it was a common law type marriage so there is no official record. I didn't think to ask until several months ago and she couldn't quite remember. So it will be on her birthday, July 19th. She liked that plan.

She was still and calm, and I felt so much relief for her. Still warm to the touch, and I gave her a light kiss on the forehead and another brush on the lips. I'm happy and sad at the same time. She had a rough time the last couple years, but now she is gone. I hope she is in a better place.

I've been tearing up. Little tiny cryings, like waves lapping at the shoreline. I feel there are larger waves coming, and I'm working to let them come. Funny, you have to work at not working.

The Last Visit

It turns out this was my last visit. Eric(ka) sat with Mom most of the day, and I happened by while she was out for a little while saying thanks to the folks at Queen Anne Manor. I was on my way to see Frankenweenie at the IMAX with Richard who kindly waited while I visited. I didn't know my sibling was there the whole day, though when I got missed calls from Bayview Manor I guessed it was the case.

This time I talked of Snerd, her Burmese cat back in the mid 70's to mid 80's. Mom was his favorite, and he would sometimes tolerate me. I was the favorite of the other cats so he was her very special little friend. I talked about how he liked to suck on the end of his tail until we started dipping the it in cinnamon or peppermint extract which did the trick and got rid of the bulbous knot on the end of his tail from the sucking. I again told her it would be soon, and she was doing well. Her eyes didn't open this visit, and the jaundice color was increasing. Her right eye seemed a little off track the last few visits and that with her color made the end seem near.

On Deck

Mom is not a baseball fan, but I think she'd like the association...

Mom was slightly more responsive today. I stopped by on the way to rehearsal for a class assignment.  Still, nothing more than opening her eyes and hints of fleeting attempts to smile. Like on Sunday I felt she was looking at me. I repeated what I did on Sunday, just reminiscing in hopes of creating pleasant and comforting images and memories for her. Sunday I talked a bit about Jack, and the different beaches she lived by and knew. I forgot to mention Kalaloch as we had a lot of good times there in the 60's and 70's and hoped the talk of beaches and driftwood fires brought it up for her, or at least memories which have the same nice connotations for her as myself. I told her I'd try to bring by some smoked tea the aroma of which brought up memories of those magical nights by the fire on the beach.

Again, I told her she was doing well, and it wouldn't be much longer. I asked her to say "Hi" to Jack for me. Puzzling as it is for me she seemed to have nice feelings about her mother the last few years so I mentioned Grandma Seal as well. That name reflects on a time of innocence for me, before I was eight. I was the first grandson and couldn't say Lucille, so she became Grandma Seal for all her grandkids.

I don't have any particular beliefs about the afterlife if any, just a mild curiosity. If there is more than a switching off of the lights I'll be pleased and happily surprised, if not it will simply be a long sleep. Funny how my funny brand of faith prefers what I consider the honest mystery of not knowing, and that comforts me. Funny and contrary of me I suppose that the unknown is my comfort. It will be as it should be is my hope and faith. Still, I talked of it in a way which she believes and finds comfort. I don't disbelieve so it is not insincere, and Mom's beliefs are an amalgam unique to her. We have that in common, the uniqueness of our beliefs, so they can't be the same.

Jack was a story teller, and I told her I missed his tall stories. And weren't they all tall? I think that earned a fleeting twitch of a smile. I wasn't there long, but I flittered through topics like that in addition to reminding her she'd soon be seeing those who preceded her. For all of these last visits I also reminded her we'd be taking her and Jack to Neah Bay for a farewell and scattering of their ashes. It sounds morbid when I think about it logically but it was anything but. She asked me to remind her, so I did and it made the conversations for the last six months frank and open about her passing.

Immiment

I talked to the Hospice nurse working with Mom a short while ago.  Yesterday when I said we were probably looking at weeks was likely optimistic, which I suspected even as I wrote it.  Rene(e?) said that she is no longer able to swallow.  She is medicated to keep her comfortable, and there is no indication she is over medicated.  They have been watching the pain in her legs, and we already knew the cancer moved to the bones.  It appears to have metastasized more, including the brain which is a possible or likely cause for the inability to swallow and her increased problems forming words lately.  Of course right now she doesn't seem to be speaking at all.

Rene said that two weeks would probably be a stretch.  The bottom line right now is that she could go at any moment and what they are working to do is ease her passage.  It won't be a situation where we'll be able to there at the precise moment.

I can't think of anything to add.