Maundy on Thursday, Tuesday on Wednesday
I woke up before 6am, angry.
Normally I'd be miffed for waking up so early. But this was different. I thought of the massive mess and evil our government has dropped on us at the bidding of the 'marketplace'. Then of how the republicans are making their dream of nominating hilary for the democratic ticket has gone so far. Not that she wouldn't be an improvement over the war criminal in chief, but I'd rather have a leader than a poll sitter. I tried to lighten my mood with a little humor. Why do the republicans attack her so venomously? She stood by her man despite his world famous philandering, a family values woman to put them all to shame. Oh, that's what irritates them...
Then I realized I could make it to my old Kiwanis Club meeting, but then I thought about why I lost interest, and a minor part of it was Jeff's active discouraging people from going to the shows I invited them too. You Can't Take It With You was too much of a drive. The Nazi Nearest You was simply another tedious holocaust movie. He'd never seen it or listened to a summary, as it was a new work, just loudly attacking my project in perjorative absolutes from a position of utter ignorance. (I bet he's a republican.) Then doing the same thing about The Cherry Orchard because it was just another depressing Chekhov tragedy. More proud loud ignorance for Chekhov and the play for no apparent reason except to elevate his image of himself. Why the Hell did I relive all of that, it didn't bother that much at the time, which was a long, long time ago.
Then I thought about Easter coming up, and my disgust with the christian community's embracing of fear, exclusion, and persecution. Even my one time accepting creed has jumped on the bandwagon to stone queers in the public square, and wondered if they'll see the irony at all as they go to the Maundy Thursday services tonight.
Still these are old issues, and the ire for Kiwanis and Methodist felt ridiculous and petty, as they were, plus they are simply not important issues to me. That is what caused me to stop my spinning, attaching free-floating rage to every thought. I saw a powerful show last night, and it affected me. Tuesday. This was produced by Annex Theatre, about a man suffering from Korsakoff's Syndrome.
I spent the evening experiencing the destruction of a man and all his relationships by addiction (alcohol) as revealed through the process of trying to recover his memory. I thought of my situation with my relative/friend. Will I ever see him again? I think saying it's fifty-fifty may be too optimistic. I made it very plain at the intervention I will not enable any longer, and those are the consequences. I'm okay with that, I don't want to go down that dark water line again, but I have to acknowledge it makes me very angry. I guess I still care about him, otherwise I wouldn't get so angry about the situation. It still hurts knowing that he doesn't care a rat's ass about me. I want to let him off the hook by saying it's because of the coke and opioids. That's enabling for him and destructive for me. Disease or not at some level it is a still a choice. I believe I need to write him off for now. I don't want to. I've put off accepting it. However I try to avoid it, for my own well-being I need to let go. It's a hard choice I've had to make too many times in my life with my family, for the same reasons. I hate it every single time. It heals me, so I know I have to do it. I realized I used up my trust in January. I knew it at the time, and kept hoping for a happy ending. That may still happen. Right now it is anything but a happy ending.
Al-Anon tonight. It's the same meeting I've been to several times. I missed it last week as I got caught in social interaction. I suppose that was more important at the time, but this week the meeting looms with a lot of importance for me. They drive me crazy. There's the people that discuss their enabling behavior without seeing it. People who talk much too long about the latest incident by adding every bit of historical context as though nobody else knows what they are going through. I wonder if that isn't part of the power of the meetings. You see the different stages and methods people use to cope, and realize you're all flawed together. The fray that binds.
Normally I'd be miffed for waking up so early. But this was different. I thought of the massive mess and evil our government has dropped on us at the bidding of the 'marketplace'. Then of how the republicans are making their dream of nominating hilary for the democratic ticket has gone so far. Not that she wouldn't be an improvement over the war criminal in chief, but I'd rather have a leader than a poll sitter. I tried to lighten my mood with a little humor. Why do the republicans attack her so venomously? She stood by her man despite his world famous philandering, a family values woman to put them all to shame. Oh, that's what irritates them...
Then I realized I could make it to my old Kiwanis Club meeting, but then I thought about why I lost interest, and a minor part of it was Jeff's active discouraging people from going to the shows I invited them too. You Can't Take It With You was too much of a drive. The Nazi Nearest You was simply another tedious holocaust movie. He'd never seen it or listened to a summary, as it was a new work, just loudly attacking my project in perjorative absolutes from a position of utter ignorance. (I bet he's a republican.) Then doing the same thing about The Cherry Orchard because it was just another depressing Chekhov tragedy. More proud loud ignorance for Chekhov and the play for no apparent reason except to elevate his image of himself. Why the Hell did I relive all of that, it didn't bother that much at the time, which was a long, long time ago.
Then I thought about Easter coming up, and my disgust with the christian community's embracing of fear, exclusion, and persecution. Even my one time accepting creed has jumped on the bandwagon to stone queers in the public square, and wondered if they'll see the irony at all as they go to the Maundy Thursday services tonight.
Still these are old issues, and the ire for Kiwanis and Methodist felt ridiculous and petty, as they were, plus they are simply not important issues to me. That is what caused me to stop my spinning, attaching free-floating rage to every thought. I saw a powerful show last night, and it affected me. Tuesday. This was produced by Annex Theatre, about a man suffering from Korsakoff's Syndrome.
I spent the evening experiencing the destruction of a man and all his relationships by addiction (alcohol) as revealed through the process of trying to recover his memory. I thought of my situation with my relative/friend. Will I ever see him again? I think saying it's fifty-fifty may be too optimistic. I made it very plain at the intervention I will not enable any longer, and those are the consequences. I'm okay with that, I don't want to go down that dark water line again, but I have to acknowledge it makes me very angry. I guess I still care about him, otherwise I wouldn't get so angry about the situation. It still hurts knowing that he doesn't care a rat's ass about me. I want to let him off the hook by saying it's because of the coke and opioids. That's enabling for him and destructive for me. Disease or not at some level it is a still a choice. I believe I need to write him off for now. I don't want to. I've put off accepting it. However I try to avoid it, for my own well-being I need to let go. It's a hard choice I've had to make too many times in my life with my family, for the same reasons. I hate it every single time. It heals me, so I know I have to do it. I realized I used up my trust in January. I knew it at the time, and kept hoping for a happy ending. That may still happen. Right now it is anything but a happy ending.
Al-Anon tonight. It's the same meeting I've been to several times. I missed it last week as I got caught in social interaction. I suppose that was more important at the time, but this week the meeting looms with a lot of importance for me. They drive me crazy. There's the people that discuss their enabling behavior without seeing it. People who talk much too long about the latest incident by adding every bit of historical context as though nobody else knows what they are going through. I wonder if that isn't part of the power of the meetings. You see the different stages and methods people use to cope, and realize you're all flawed together. The fray that binds.
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