Fist Of Futility
Last Tuesday a couple people got on the elevator at work, one an attractive young woman. They were talking about the nice weather and she said "I'm wearing nothing but sandals to work from now on." A slew of snappy one-liners danced through my head, and maintaining my manners I kept them to myself, wondering how many other folks on the elevator were briefly tempted to violate workplace harassment guidelines. I think the tongue biting was being done by folks of all persuasions. I noticed several very subtle, and very slightly humorous frustrated looks.
No reading on Monday, my class was taking their WASL's Mon-Wed. These are the standardized tests (supposedly) measuring academic progress in Washington State. So, I went on Thursday. I'd left my book there the previous week, so we read from Shel Silverstein instead. There were a couple copies in the classroom, and we picked a few randomly, and the kids made lots of suggestions for their favorites. It was great fun, and I think a few kids who weren't familiar with the books got hooked. This week their tests are Mon and Tue, so I'll be there on Wednesday.
Thursday night I saw Death of a Salesman with Paula, where we happened to meet up with Don Carter, one of my Meisner classmates. Some of my favorite work in that class was a scene Don and I worked on. Miller's text is brilliant, but the Thursday's production wasn't quite on. It felt like you were watching an athletic competition, where you inexplicably develop a strong desire for the underdog team to turn things around and do well. They'd get connected, then a shift would break the moment. Paula explained the feeling it gave us quite well, like they were performing several private plays. You really wanted to be in on it, you could hear the text, it just didn't land. It was maddening because you could see the talent and experience of the actors. I hope it was a singular night and the other shows are great. We could sense what could have been that evening.
This weekend I went up to Bellingham for the opening day of trout season with my stepsister and brother-in-law, Laurel and Dennis. It was a stocked lake, but the fish are much larger than when I was a kid. Then most of the stocked fish were 6.5 inches long, but now most of them range from nine to inches to a bit over a foot long. The limit is only five per day, but the size more than makes up for the dozen limit of old. I was surprised, because they are much better than the farmed trout you see in the store. I don't know if it was the freshness, or if the state simply does a better job. Logically I tell myself it is pretty much shooting farmed fish in a barrel, but it is more fun and they are tastier. Dennis sets everything up, so it is like going to a guide service. I did splurge on three dozen donuts for the fishermen, which included everybody. My favorite doughnut shop is up there, which is a good thing, because I won't drive 90 minutes each way, even for great donuts.
My leg has really been hurting since Friday morning. It is funny, but I didn't fully understand why until I was walking through the parking garage this morning. That repeated walk (I stopped using the handicap tag two weeks ago) was long enough and familiar enough that I was very aware of the increased strength and range of motion. I started using the stairs again for one or two floors and noticed I am again able to support my weight on the toes of the bad leg. Not for long, but a huge difference in my mind. Also, I haven't had to unclench my toes today. I've been making a conscious effort since the second or third day using a cane to unclench them, and this is the first day I've noticed I haven't had to do that. I suspect it has been longer, but going from being able to unclench, to not needing to is a nice thing to notice.
The leg is still really bothering me today, enough that I finally called and left a message I am not going to make it to class tonight. I am feeling a bit fatigued from the lost sleep over the weekend from getting up insanely early to catch fish, a bit more from getting a little too much sun yesterday, and even more from the constant discomfort. The pain and tiredness are such that class would not be productive for me today. I agonized over the decision today, because it is a somewhat intimidating class and I worried that was influencing my decision. Likely it was, but maybe not in the direction I worried.
I've been fretting a little bit lately, and it is going to be with me for a while. At some point I might like to attend the Freehold Ensemble Training Intensive, or maybe apply for an MFA program. Both is a possibility, using the ETI as prep for an MFA program, and Freehold is working with Antioch to offer credits for the ETI program. In both cases I need to get more time on the boards. The fretting is my day job. I'm guessing it is possible but not likely I could become a part time worker to attend ETI (or an MFA program on the small chance I get into University of Washington's program).
Going for more advanced training while keeping my day job would create less personal upheaval, and even if I could do it, I'm not sure it is my best option. I may opt not to pursue that sort of training, but like missing Alexander tonight I want to be sure it is not because I'm worried about the scariness of giving up or suspending my current daytime career. I like working at Expedia for lots of reasons, which makes leaving harder to entertain. Admittedly most of these aren't options I'm looking at in the immediate future, though ETI is probably being offered next year.
I've changed careers several times, generally every ten years, and I am in an interesting place at the moment. After five years my passion for theatre has not diminished, and it renewed my interest in the day job, which I've been at for ten years. In the past this is the time when I was tempted to stick with the job out of a perceived financial need rather than any desire. Computer science was actually starting to pale for me until I found art. It also provides a comfortable income, though that is not dependable as the dot com bust showed, and Microsoft's current push to remove immigration limits for high tech workers. (There is not a shortage in this country, it is simply a desire to push high tech pay levels down.) Surprisingly to some I'm not too concerned about my age.
My cousin John, who is fifteen months older, and his wife Linda are finishing their law degrees. I believe they will finish Summer of 2006. At that time John will be 50 or 51. They both work, I believe John is the full time worker right now, last I heard they were both in the top ten of their classes, John has two children from a previous marriage whom for whom he pays child support, and has them with him in the Summer. Not only is he one of my very favorite relatives, he is an example when I try and lie to myself about being to old to pursue a radically different graduate direction. Both he and Linda also have MSW's (Master of Social Work?).
What I really have to decide is whether selling my house, giving up computer science, and pursuing acting is something that will take me in a direction I want to follow for a long while. I can't write it off as a 'mid-life' crisis, as I find the concept bogus in the way it is generally used and rather cowardly, and radical life changes have been a regular pattern for me. This is a passion I have been doggedly pursuing with enjoyment for five years, which also does not fit with the general idea of mid-life crisis. The underlying question I haven't yet answered, will I be happy with a career centered solely on art? Now I have both. Left brain and right brain, high tech and theatre, shallow and deep meaning. Do I need the money grubbing, ultimately soulless, contact with the work-a-day business world to keep my love for art alive? Or is it limiting me? I don't know. Damn it all to Hell. I would like a clear and easy answer on this one. God, whatever he or she is can be a real mean son of a bitch. Or as Serendipity (Salma Hayek) says in Dogma, "Her quirky sense of humor."
No reading on Monday, my class was taking their WASL's Mon-Wed. These are the standardized tests (supposedly) measuring academic progress in Washington State. So, I went on Thursday. I'd left my book there the previous week, so we read from Shel Silverstein instead. There were a couple copies in the classroom, and we picked a few randomly, and the kids made lots of suggestions for their favorites. It was great fun, and I think a few kids who weren't familiar with the books got hooked. This week their tests are Mon and Tue, so I'll be there on Wednesday.
Thursday night I saw Death of a Salesman with Paula, where we happened to meet up with Don Carter, one of my Meisner classmates. Some of my favorite work in that class was a scene Don and I worked on. Miller's text is brilliant, but the Thursday's production wasn't quite on. It felt like you were watching an athletic competition, where you inexplicably develop a strong desire for the underdog team to turn things around and do well. They'd get connected, then a shift would break the moment. Paula explained the feeling it gave us quite well, like they were performing several private plays. You really wanted to be in on it, you could hear the text, it just didn't land. It was maddening because you could see the talent and experience of the actors. I hope it was a singular night and the other shows are great. We could sense what could have been that evening.
This weekend I went up to Bellingham for the opening day of trout season with my stepsister and brother-in-law, Laurel and Dennis. It was a stocked lake, but the fish are much larger than when I was a kid. Then most of the stocked fish were 6.5 inches long, but now most of them range from nine to inches to a bit over a foot long. The limit is only five per day, but the size more than makes up for the dozen limit of old. I was surprised, because they are much better than the farmed trout you see in the store. I don't know if it was the freshness, or if the state simply does a better job. Logically I tell myself it is pretty much shooting farmed fish in a barrel, but it is more fun and they are tastier. Dennis sets everything up, so it is like going to a guide service. I did splurge on three dozen donuts for the fishermen, which included everybody. My favorite doughnut shop is up there, which is a good thing, because I won't drive 90 minutes each way, even for great donuts.
My leg has really been hurting since Friday morning. It is funny, but I didn't fully understand why until I was walking through the parking garage this morning. That repeated walk (I stopped using the handicap tag two weeks ago) was long enough and familiar enough that I was very aware of the increased strength and range of motion. I started using the stairs again for one or two floors and noticed I am again able to support my weight on the toes of the bad leg. Not for long, but a huge difference in my mind. Also, I haven't had to unclench my toes today. I've been making a conscious effort since the second or third day using a cane to unclench them, and this is the first day I've noticed I haven't had to do that. I suspect it has been longer, but going from being able to unclench, to not needing to is a nice thing to notice.
The leg is still really bothering me today, enough that I finally called and left a message I am not going to make it to class tonight. I am feeling a bit fatigued from the lost sleep over the weekend from getting up insanely early to catch fish, a bit more from getting a little too much sun yesterday, and even more from the constant discomfort. The pain and tiredness are such that class would not be productive for me today. I agonized over the decision today, because it is a somewhat intimidating class and I worried that was influencing my decision. Likely it was, but maybe not in the direction I worried.
I've been fretting a little bit lately, and it is going to be with me for a while. At some point I might like to attend the Freehold Ensemble Training Intensive, or maybe apply for an MFA program. Both is a possibility, using the ETI as prep for an MFA program, and Freehold is working with Antioch to offer credits for the ETI program. In both cases I need to get more time on the boards. The fretting is my day job. I'm guessing it is possible but not likely I could become a part time worker to attend ETI (or an MFA program on the small chance I get into University of Washington's program).
Going for more advanced training while keeping my day job would create less personal upheaval, and even if I could do it, I'm not sure it is my best option. I may opt not to pursue that sort of training, but like missing Alexander tonight I want to be sure it is not because I'm worried about the scariness of giving up or suspending my current daytime career. I like working at Expedia for lots of reasons, which makes leaving harder to entertain. Admittedly most of these aren't options I'm looking at in the immediate future, though ETI is probably being offered next year.
I've changed careers several times, generally every ten years, and I am in an interesting place at the moment. After five years my passion for theatre has not diminished, and it renewed my interest in the day job, which I've been at for ten years. In the past this is the time when I was tempted to stick with the job out of a perceived financial need rather than any desire. Computer science was actually starting to pale for me until I found art. It also provides a comfortable income, though that is not dependable as the dot com bust showed, and Microsoft's current push to remove immigration limits for high tech workers. (There is not a shortage in this country, it is simply a desire to push high tech pay levels down.) Surprisingly to some I'm not too concerned about my age.
My cousin John, who is fifteen months older, and his wife Linda are finishing their law degrees. I believe they will finish Summer of 2006. At that time John will be 50 or 51. They both work, I believe John is the full time worker right now, last I heard they were both in the top ten of their classes, John has two children from a previous marriage whom for whom he pays child support, and has them with him in the Summer. Not only is he one of my very favorite relatives, he is an example when I try and lie to myself about being to old to pursue a radically different graduate direction. Both he and Linda also have MSW's (Master of Social Work?).
What I really have to decide is whether selling my house, giving up computer science, and pursuing acting is something that will take me in a direction I want to follow for a long while. I can't write it off as a 'mid-life' crisis, as I find the concept bogus in the way it is generally used and rather cowardly, and radical life changes have been a regular pattern for me. This is a passion I have been doggedly pursuing with enjoyment for five years, which also does not fit with the general idea of mid-life crisis. The underlying question I haven't yet answered, will I be happy with a career centered solely on art? Now I have both. Left brain and right brain, high tech and theatre, shallow and deep meaning. Do I need the money grubbing, ultimately soulless, contact with the work-a-day business world to keep my love for art alive? Or is it limiting me? I don't know. Damn it all to Hell. I would like a clear and easy answer on this one. God, whatever he or she is can be a real mean son of a bitch. Or as Serendipity (Salma Hayek) says in Dogma, "Her quirky sense of humor."
1 Comments:
Clear answer: 42 - It's the answer to everything.
OK, that was a bit too topical. How about, "Yes"? *smirk*
I love this post. The quandry about decisions and trying to make the right one for the right reasons weighs heavily with many of us. In my rather short life, I've come to the conclusion that things usually turn out alright and when I'm worried about making a choice for the wrong reasons, it's because there is some motivation that I'm not willing to acknowledge that is keeping me from diving into what I want.
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