Dream Cruise
The last several evenings have been uncomfortable because of the heat. Even though the weather cooled yesterday, the house was still thoroughly warm. Sleeping was fitful at best, and I had short bits from a couple dreams that persisted. I don't usually retain much, and the short scenes were tableau-like in their intensity and meaning. Last night, or the night prior...
My mother, at the height of her lucidity and meanness was apparently recovered from the physical and mental depredations she's inflicted on herself. This is not my "remembering mom" judgment, but the feeling and observation I experienced in the dream itself. Once again she was living in the modest trailer she'd picked and I purchased for her and Jack. He wasn't there. There she was sitting at the living/dining room end, which was more airy, cheery, and spacious than the actual trailer. I sensed something not quite right. Then I saw it. Several bottles of clear liquor around her, each bottle at a different level. I don't know if any were empty. She'd started drinking again. I knew I had to immediately get away from her for my safety and well-being. She would not be satisfied with the maintenance drinking and ruthless manipulation of old. I don't know how I knew this, but I vaguely recall it coming from something she said.
On thinking about this the following morning, I wondered if it had anything to do with my getting tired of my evening drink ritual. Whenever I drink I remember all close relatives on that side of the family who drink are alcoholics. That wasn't it though, the dream held other meanings, more personal yet slightly contradictory. She stopped drinking in 1981 or 1982, and I should give her credit for that. I don't have any idea how close she came to defeating the problem with prescription abuse; any success was fleeting. I do need to remember when I am around her there was a success. I wonder how closely her meds are monitored now, and if she supplements them with what she can get at the nearby 7-11. It doesn't matter I realized, I should still credit her for getting away from liquor.
The other meaning was what to do about her. Since October 30th, 2002 I have seen her one time, last Christmas at my brother's house when I was pretty cool towards her. Lately I've wondered if I should allow a little reconnection. This dream tells me no, or more likely advises caution. Between the two meanings, I hope I can be more personable if I see her again. Remembering that she has beat some demons, and that she still has the ability and will to wound others can make the next encounter less awkward, maybe even pleasant. It also helped me realize the joy I have now has changed the resentment for losing my childhood at six or seven to a distant memory. It is a part of me, and no longer a living issue. I don't have to deny my hate, it whimpered away into the night. That is nice, because I would like to have the good times as a more prominent memory.
The night before was a dream which holds more important meaning for me. I was taking a shower, and was washing with a large bar of Ivory, somewhere between the normal size and a VHS tape. The soap was sloughing away with something. It wasn't slippery, rather it was slightly difficult to slide it over my body somewhat like rosin. Some invisible grime or filth was rapidly consuming the soap as I washed, without lather. Finally as I got to my last foot the soap was down to the size where you try to decide if it is time to open a fresh bar, but I was all done. I experimented and it slid and lathered and I experienced joy at the way I was able to make myself rapidly sudsy.
That dream just seemed strange for only a second or two when I remembered the following afternoon. I have been in the process of shedding a lot of garbage for several years, metaphorical and physical. I expect to achieve a place where I feel I have done the bulk of the shedding in the next year or three. There will be a joy when I get to the point I am aiming for, as I move onto the next step. That is what the dream meant to me. Partly I'm sure because I've experienced a similar transition already, when I learned to stop living with the blues the vast majority of the time. There was certainly a joy with that, and a moving on to bigger things.
My mother, at the height of her lucidity and meanness was apparently recovered from the physical and mental depredations she's inflicted on herself. This is not my "remembering mom" judgment, but the feeling and observation I experienced in the dream itself. Once again she was living in the modest trailer she'd picked and I purchased for her and Jack. He wasn't there. There she was sitting at the living/dining room end, which was more airy, cheery, and spacious than the actual trailer. I sensed something not quite right. Then I saw it. Several bottles of clear liquor around her, each bottle at a different level. I don't know if any were empty. She'd started drinking again. I knew I had to immediately get away from her for my safety and well-being. She would not be satisfied with the maintenance drinking and ruthless manipulation of old. I don't know how I knew this, but I vaguely recall it coming from something she said.
On thinking about this the following morning, I wondered if it had anything to do with my getting tired of my evening drink ritual. Whenever I drink I remember all close relatives on that side of the family who drink are alcoholics. That wasn't it though, the dream held other meanings, more personal yet slightly contradictory. She stopped drinking in 1981 or 1982, and I should give her credit for that. I don't have any idea how close she came to defeating the problem with prescription abuse; any success was fleeting. I do need to remember when I am around her there was a success. I wonder how closely her meds are monitored now, and if she supplements them with what she can get at the nearby 7-11. It doesn't matter I realized, I should still credit her for getting away from liquor.
The other meaning was what to do about her. Since October 30th, 2002 I have seen her one time, last Christmas at my brother's house when I was pretty cool towards her. Lately I've wondered if I should allow a little reconnection. This dream tells me no, or more likely advises caution. Between the two meanings, I hope I can be more personable if I see her again. Remembering that she has beat some demons, and that she still has the ability and will to wound others can make the next encounter less awkward, maybe even pleasant. It also helped me realize the joy I have now has changed the resentment for losing my childhood at six or seven to a distant memory. It is a part of me, and no longer a living issue. I don't have to deny my hate, it whimpered away into the night. That is nice, because I would like to have the good times as a more prominent memory.
The night before was a dream which holds more important meaning for me. I was taking a shower, and was washing with a large bar of Ivory, somewhere between the normal size and a VHS tape. The soap was sloughing away with something. It wasn't slippery, rather it was slightly difficult to slide it over my body somewhat like rosin. Some invisible grime or filth was rapidly consuming the soap as I washed, without lather. Finally as I got to my last foot the soap was down to the size where you try to decide if it is time to open a fresh bar, but I was all done. I experimented and it slid and lathered and I experienced joy at the way I was able to make myself rapidly sudsy.
That dream just seemed strange for only a second or two when I remembered the following afternoon. I have been in the process of shedding a lot of garbage for several years, metaphorical and physical. I expect to achieve a place where I feel I have done the bulk of the shedding in the next year or three. There will be a joy when I get to the point I am aiming for, as I move onto the next step. That is what the dream meant to me. Partly I'm sure because I've experienced a similar transition already, when I learned to stop living with the blues the vast majority of the time. There was certainly a joy with that, and a moving on to bigger things.
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