Finding Courage
I'd planned to see Mom on Sunday before going to go do Macbeth, in which I have a couple small roles (Wounded Soldier and Donalbain). My visit last Thursday left me pretty shaken, and I had a Hell of a time focusing on our Julius Caesar performances the next two days, where I have four small roles including ensemble.
There was no change in her condition and I just couldn't motivate myself to go on Sunday, and ditto for yesterday. Today I'm again planning to go see her for a little bit. I have physical therapy, and I'll go straight from there to go see Mom. There is a line in my head where I make solid plans, not something I can describe accurately, rather something I feel -- so I don't expect to wimp out this time.
I have two things planned. First, is to find out what she considers her anniversary with Jack if she can communicate. I'm expecting I'll have to iterate through the months then days, until I get responses. They had a common law marriage, because they couldn't afford the loss of benefits if they were legally married. It will be on their anniversary date I hope to spread their ashes in Neah Bay, with any family that wants to go. The second will be to recite a very short poem, her favorite from me, Kipling's Mother O' Mine. We'll see how that goes, if she tracks maybe poetry or reading will be something I can do for her.
I'm debating giving her a nudge to fight. Not fighting to overcome the cancer, which is not a reasonable ask, but to work at being present and communicative. It would make it easier for people to visit, and possible give younger people a positive experience. Though I won't mention that as she has not had a lot of contact with the grandchildren and I suspect she may be lucid enough that she wouldn't buy that. I imagine I'll be debating this with myself until after I've seen her tonight, whichever choice I make. I can understand her depression, but if it were me I'd want someone to remind me that it may not be the way I want to shuffle off this mortal coil. Then again I don't want to project what I'd want on to her.
I expect it will be tough to visit. Often the hardest and most important things to do in this life seem the most mundane. That is our trap. AA is too dull, not my kind of people, etc. That is one she overcame for many years, that is courage at is most profound. Opening up your defenses in front of others, and admitting you're not somehow superior to the rest of mankind. Being humble is much more courageous and healthy than being an ass. It's how I finally started to deal with my own rage, and that realization was strengthened by her courage in that area.
UPDATE:
I made it over, despite waiting an hour or so for the presidential traffic to clear up, then getting stuck on the I-90 floating bridge for a while as traffic oozed by an accident. There were at least five cars involved. Anyway I finally got there around a quarter to eight. Mom was sitting in a chair which was a giant improvement, and got up to go to the restroom shortly after I arrived. I think she had just had her evening medication so she wasn't tracking real well, but she was able to verbalize. I was very pleasantly surprised when I knocked on her door to let her know someone was coming to hear her say, "Come in!"
Even though the medicine had her befuddled she was able to recognize me. She took a wrong turn in her studio apartment, heading for the closet and I pointed her in the right direction. She was humorously miffed at forgetting the room's layout. I told her I would get someone to give her a hand, as she had a little accident, and that I would be back in two or three days to visit again. She was very enthusiastic about that, I suspect there was a little emotional discomfort with the situation. I had tried to find out their anniversary before she got out of the chair, but she had trouble comprehending and responding clearly. Still, it was very good to see her standing and vocalizing.
I hope to go back for a few minutes again on Thursday or Friday and will work to get there before her evening medications.
PS - Thanks, B.D.!
There was no change in her condition and I just couldn't motivate myself to go on Sunday, and ditto for yesterday. Today I'm again planning to go see her for a little bit. I have physical therapy, and I'll go straight from there to go see Mom. There is a line in my head where I make solid plans, not something I can describe accurately, rather something I feel -- so I don't expect to wimp out this time.
I have two things planned. First, is to find out what she considers her anniversary with Jack if she can communicate. I'm expecting I'll have to iterate through the months then days, until I get responses. They had a common law marriage, because they couldn't afford the loss of benefits if they were legally married. It will be on their anniversary date I hope to spread their ashes in Neah Bay, with any family that wants to go. The second will be to recite a very short poem, her favorite from me, Kipling's Mother O' Mine. We'll see how that goes, if she tracks maybe poetry or reading will be something I can do for her.
I'm debating giving her a nudge to fight. Not fighting to overcome the cancer, which is not a reasonable ask, but to work at being present and communicative. It would make it easier for people to visit, and possible give younger people a positive experience. Though I won't mention that as she has not had a lot of contact with the grandchildren and I suspect she may be lucid enough that she wouldn't buy that. I imagine I'll be debating this with myself until after I've seen her tonight, whichever choice I make. I can understand her depression, but if it were me I'd want someone to remind me that it may not be the way I want to shuffle off this mortal coil. Then again I don't want to project what I'd want on to her.
I expect it will be tough to visit. Often the hardest and most important things to do in this life seem the most mundane. That is our trap. AA is too dull, not my kind of people, etc. That is one she overcame for many years, that is courage at is most profound. Opening up your defenses in front of others, and admitting you're not somehow superior to the rest of mankind. Being humble is much more courageous and healthy than being an ass. It's how I finally started to deal with my own rage, and that realization was strengthened by her courage in that area.
UPDATE:
I made it over, despite waiting an hour or so for the presidential traffic to clear up, then getting stuck on the I-90 floating bridge for a while as traffic oozed by an accident. There were at least five cars involved. Anyway I finally got there around a quarter to eight. Mom was sitting in a chair which was a giant improvement, and got up to go to the restroom shortly after I arrived. I think she had just had her evening medication so she wasn't tracking real well, but she was able to verbalize. I was very pleasantly surprised when I knocked on her door to let her know someone was coming to hear her say, "Come in!"
Even though the medicine had her befuddled she was able to recognize me. She took a wrong turn in her studio apartment, heading for the closet and I pointed her in the right direction. She was humorously miffed at forgetting the room's layout. I told her I would get someone to give her a hand, as she had a little accident, and that I would be back in two or three days to visit again. She was very enthusiastic about that, I suspect there was a little emotional discomfort with the situation. I had tried to find out their anniversary before she got out of the chair, but she had trouble comprehending and responding clearly. Still, it was very good to see her standing and vocalizing.
I hope to go back for a few minutes again on Thursday or Friday and will work to get there before her evening medications.
PS - Thanks, B.D.!
1 Comments:
You are very brave and humble to confront these issues.
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