Ouch

I realized looking seeing the date, that my mother is 73 today. I won't call. I won't write. I won't think about it much after this. I may connect more with her at some point. I don't know why I would. That is sad. I don't know how, as I can't see myself in the one sided relationship I had before. That is sad. I know it is all sad, but it seems like it is happening to someone else.

I'm able to remember some of the good things. I don't have a good understanding of racism. Conceptually I understand it, but not personally. I can feel a bit of it, when I realize how I react differently to different ethnic groups. Like at night I'm more alert walking by a group of tough talking black or white guys, than a group of Hispanic or Asian guys.

Still, any sadness regarding my relationship with my mom is mostly intellectual. Is there a wall I've put up? There certainly was, but I'm not so sure now. It is more indifference. I make dark jokes about my relationship, but I don't seek to change anything. I don't feel obligated any longer. I'm comfortable with the distance. The immediate sadness in this for me, is that I understand very personally how one might sacrifice interpersonal relationships in favor of isolation. Spending too much time out of the world, whether it be reading, watching TV, drinking, medicating, or other escapes. It may be what drove me to find more in my life, not wanting to grow into something that other people need to cut loose for their own health.