Damn Spring II
So, I archived what was my last post. Too maudlin for current postings in my mind. I've got some allergy type thing going, throat and head not quite right.
I saw a promotional production for a new theatre group, headed up by Lisa Every and John Abramson which is named "The Community Theatre." For those of you in this area, it was like the Freehold Studio Series, two sets of short works or scenes. Nice work, and surprisingly I found some of the most trained actors the most difficult to understand. Something to keep in mind for myself. It was in a large historic, good vibey, but unacousticly friendly room. Their first production will be a set of three Thornton Wilder one acts this Fall. I will make an effort to see it.
Over half the ETI folks were there and some (most?) were going out afterwards, and I bagged. Other friends were there too, I sort of sat between Steve and Paula and a bunch of the ETI folks. I just didn't feel like hanging. I was in introvert land, and wanted to go home and chill. I caught myself starting to feel in the dumps yesterday. Feeling the audition went horribly, and getting that talentless feeling. My personal incarnation of dark side of the force.
In some ways it would be so easy to withdraw again, go into the world of novels and avoid all the work, challenge, and disappointments of trying to be an actor, artist, and social animal. I'd lose so much, but there is that period of time when the blues hit that you have the false epiphany. Then one where you tell yourself you are actually making a great fool of yourself. You have no talent or gifts whatsoever, and you're just a big joke which at best makes the truly talented people feel better or have someone to get snarky about.
I think of it as bad seed, just waiting to grow into robust tare. It is so much easier to yank an objectionable weed as a seedling. I think it happens when I'm out of balance. Like so many things I've found, I defy categories, not really fitting in anywhere. By inclination I'm an introvert, and lived as one most of my life. Genetics or environment? Let the dweebs figure that one out. It is not an altogether healthy place. I act as an extrovert now, but not all the time. I find a desire once in a while to just curl back into my private world for a bit.
I'm at the withdrawal point now. It doesn't hamper me, keep me away from rehearsal or anything like that. It's simply that I need some chill time. I think I realized last week when I started reading a few pages in the evening, and the urge to get back to working on some scripts again pesters me. Kind of ignoring it over the last week or two, I got the blues which I'm guessing is a signal to find a balance. I get the same feeling when I'm introverted for too long. I'm surprised to find I still need to get back to introverted land, and that the reactions which tell me so are the same ones which tell me to get into a more extroverted mode.
Go figure. I'll honor it, just get back to my kitchen and characters and see who calls.
PS - I just got invited to dinner for tomorrow. What you need is sometimes beckoning.
I saw a promotional production for a new theatre group, headed up by Lisa Every and John Abramson which is named "The Community Theatre." For those of you in this area, it was like the Freehold Studio Series, two sets of short works or scenes. Nice work, and surprisingly I found some of the most trained actors the most difficult to understand. Something to keep in mind for myself. It was in a large historic, good vibey, but unacousticly friendly room. Their first production will be a set of three Thornton Wilder one acts this Fall. I will make an effort to see it.
Over half the ETI folks were there and some (most?) were going out afterwards, and I bagged. Other friends were there too, I sort of sat between Steve and Paula and a bunch of the ETI folks. I just didn't feel like hanging. I was in introvert land, and wanted to go home and chill. I caught myself starting to feel in the dumps yesterday. Feeling the audition went horribly, and getting that talentless feeling. My personal incarnation of dark side of the force.
In some ways it would be so easy to withdraw again, go into the world of novels and avoid all the work, challenge, and disappointments of trying to be an actor, artist, and social animal. I'd lose so much, but there is that period of time when the blues hit that you have the false epiphany. Then one where you tell yourself you are actually making a great fool of yourself. You have no talent or gifts whatsoever, and you're just a big joke which at best makes the truly talented people feel better or have someone to get snarky about.
I think of it as bad seed, just waiting to grow into robust tare. It is so much easier to yank an objectionable weed as a seedling. I think it happens when I'm out of balance. Like so many things I've found, I defy categories, not really fitting in anywhere. By inclination I'm an introvert, and lived as one most of my life. Genetics or environment? Let the dweebs figure that one out. It is not an altogether healthy place. I act as an extrovert now, but not all the time. I find a desire once in a while to just curl back into my private world for a bit.
I'm at the withdrawal point now. It doesn't hamper me, keep me away from rehearsal or anything like that. It's simply that I need some chill time. I think I realized last week when I started reading a few pages in the evening, and the urge to get back to working on some scripts again pesters me. Kind of ignoring it over the last week or two, I got the blues which I'm guessing is a signal to find a balance. I get the same feeling when I'm introverted for too long. I'm surprised to find I still need to get back to introverted land, and that the reactions which tell me so are the same ones which tell me to get into a more extroverted mode.
Go figure. I'll honor it, just get back to my kitchen and characters and see who calls.
PS - I just got invited to dinner for tomorrow. What you need is sometimes beckoning.
2 Comments:
This really resonated for me and I imagine, secretly, just about every artist. I would like to assert you are exerting an enormous amount of energy in your work right now - possibly more so than you ever have. If you are introverted, by definition you must refill the well but I think evertime you do it at this point, your well is getting bigger - and I think that is growth and your body naturally wants to resist that. It's difficult not to compare yourself with others in terms of energy etc. - I always do - but I want to look at those things relative to my own path. I know you know all this. Objectively, from my standpoint, you've come a very long way.
We always suspect others feel the same way. It binds us and separates us at the same time. Compassion for the other, fear for the self.
Giving myself permission to kick back with a book or a meditation sure has been nice.
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