Spy On the Wall

Sometime in 2005 Dick Cheney and George W. Bush left the web cam running in the Oval Office. A drunken marine guard under investigation for war crimes and reassigned to the White House downloaded a copy of the video file from the internal server. When he was forced out on an Other Than Honorable Discharge to avoid prosecution he leaked the file, and this is the only known transcript. No one currently living has any direct knowledge. The unnamed Marine appears to have been accidentally shot and burned beyond recognition when his car plummeted from the Golden Gate Bridge. I know what you're thinking...

DICK:
Okay George, let's manufacture a border emergency and create our own Iron Curtain. It'll make us rich. Well, richer.

DUBYA:
Right. Those nasty ass hosers. I remember that millennium guy.

DICK:
Dipstick...

DUBYA:
That's MISTER Dipstick.

DICK:
Uh huh, Mr. Dipstick we can't make our base terrified of a border to a white bread satellite state. We need scary brown people.

DUBYA:
But they're in Arabland.

DICK:
No, beaners.

DUBYA:
Yeah, those jerks like Kerry and Kennedy in Massachusetts.

DICK:
Mexicans. Brown people, not brownstones.

DUBYA:
Gotcha, Turd Blossom.

[Chertoff enters]
CHERTOFF:
Ready?

DICK:
Almost.

DUBYA:
Huh?

DICK:
Shut the fuck up, boss. We need to make them afraid of Mexicans.

DUBYA:
They're kind of nice y'know, and hard working, honest...

DICK:
What about...

DUBYA:
Okay, so Gonzo's a dipshit.

CHERTOFF:
[Laughing ironically.] Anyway, we need...

DUBYA:
Who's he? He looks like the paper boy.

DICK:
Yeah, you appointed him boss of Homeland Security.

DUBYA:
Right, my strong arm guys.

DICK:
Can we get back to the point? [Dubya scratches his head.] We need to make people really afraid of Mexico so our friends can build a big iron fence.

DUBYA:
Oh yeah.

CHERTOFF:
Well, it looks like getting the permits and EPA buy off will take quite a while. We may not have time...

DICK:
We'll make our base more afraid of cheap Mexican labor than of global ecological disaster. Heck if they can't spell ecological, they won't fear it anyway. Anyway, if we don't get it done now our investments won't pay. I'll get the saps to approve funding, and you preempt the EPA.

DUBYA:
Ergolocky cull. Okey dokey.

DICK:
Not you, him.

DUBYA:
Can't Johnson just...

DICK:
He won't have time to purge enough of the professionals to do it himself. Got it Michael?

CHERTOFF:
Yup.

DICK:
You got your marching orders then. [Nothing happens.] You know, fuck the Hell off! [Chertoff departs.]

DUBYA:
Hey blossom, can you read me a story now?

DICK:
Sure thing sweetie cheeks. Come sit on your big ole daddy's lap.

CUT
... No one wants to see or hear any more.