Still Suspicious
Weird dream this morning. I woke up still in the emotional and mental state of the dream. It was clear and specific. It was about an hour before I needed to arise, so I went back to sleep. The dream itself is gone, but the clarity from the state persisted when I got up.
Not surprisingly it was focused on my ETI training, though it also applies to the day job. Spending 'enough' time on studies is not enough. There is an additional surrender and ownership for which I need to strive. It is especially important because of my full schedule. Typically, it is one of my beloved dichotomies, or as a novice Shakespeare scholar, I should say antithesis. In the surrender it is the same struggle I have faced many times as an actor, and certainly not unique to myself. To let go of what I think I should be doing, and just do. Taking ownership is another simple and common concept which I continually struggle, that is fully investing myself.
Every stride you make is a new start, a new plateau, and often the focus on new skills and methods overwhelms the basic work you've done in doing (playing actions) and investing yourself. I feel I've made advances, and significant ones in the last few months, but there's been a wall, subtle and ominous. Not a wall which stops, but a wall which slows one down, like trying to swim in thick syrup.
The clarity was mysterious, a feeling I simply have to be willing. There is a triteness and depth to this. It somehow feels simply the awareness has made me willing at a new level, where I'd been typically getting in my own way. Is it really a step and an epiphany rolled into one, or a bit of self-delusion or encouragement? I'll know soon enough.
Interesting thing in drill this morning. I realized for the first time since I broke my leg last February, there was no pain in walking. Recently it's been fairly low level pain most of the time, usually tuned out but always present. And the last couple weeks it's been more acute. The new feel of freedom this morning urged me to run around the studio, a room named Crow for those familiar with Freehold, between seven and ten times. All my running since the break has been jogging or trotting. These were full loping strides, not at full speed, but still at a good clip. The speed and the length of the strides made the room tiny, and I was running as close to the perimeter as I could. I wanted to run more, but once I could sense the old pains begin to resurface I dropped back to a walk. Don't want to push a good thing. And it did feel good. The legs simply love that kind of stretching every once in a while.
Now questions and thoughts are buzzing. There is a feel of something changed within myself. Are the dream and clarity a manifestation of something real or desired? Is the getting over the hump in the healing of my leg coincidence, or real? Are the emotional and physical shifts related? Ask me in a week. I'm also feeling pretty tired -- hoping to get a little extra shut eye tonight -- something I've had difficulty with lately. I'm wondering what tomorrow will bring. Next week, ...
Not surprisingly it was focused on my ETI training, though it also applies to the day job. Spending 'enough' time on studies is not enough. There is an additional surrender and ownership for which I need to strive. It is especially important because of my full schedule. Typically, it is one of my beloved dichotomies, or as a novice Shakespeare scholar, I should say antithesis. In the surrender it is the same struggle I have faced many times as an actor, and certainly not unique to myself. To let go of what I think I should be doing, and just do. Taking ownership is another simple and common concept which I continually struggle, that is fully investing myself.
Every stride you make is a new start, a new plateau, and often the focus on new skills and methods overwhelms the basic work you've done in doing (playing actions) and investing yourself. I feel I've made advances, and significant ones in the last few months, but there's been a wall, subtle and ominous. Not a wall which stops, but a wall which slows one down, like trying to swim in thick syrup.
The clarity was mysterious, a feeling I simply have to be willing. There is a triteness and depth to this. It somehow feels simply the awareness has made me willing at a new level, where I'd been typically getting in my own way. Is it really a step and an epiphany rolled into one, or a bit of self-delusion or encouragement? I'll know soon enough.
Interesting thing in drill this morning. I realized for the first time since I broke my leg last February, there was no pain in walking. Recently it's been fairly low level pain most of the time, usually tuned out but always present. And the last couple weeks it's been more acute. The new feel of freedom this morning urged me to run around the studio, a room named Crow for those familiar with Freehold, between seven and ten times. All my running since the break has been jogging or trotting. These were full loping strides, not at full speed, but still at a good clip. The speed and the length of the strides made the room tiny, and I was running as close to the perimeter as I could. I wanted to run more, but once I could sense the old pains begin to resurface I dropped back to a walk. Don't want to push a good thing. And it did feel good. The legs simply love that kind of stretching every once in a while.
Now questions and thoughts are buzzing. There is a feel of something changed within myself. Are the dream and clarity a manifestation of something real or desired? Is the getting over the hump in the healing of my leg coincidence, or real? Are the emotional and physical shifts related? Ask me in a week. I'm also feeling pretty tired -- hoping to get a little extra shut eye tonight -- something I've had difficulty with lately. I'm wondering what tomorrow will bring. Next week, ...
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