Getting Out
Wow. All the sudden I'm having dinner with friends two nights in a row. Steve and Paula offered me their Vanagon which I accepted, as I want to get rid of my truck, which I plan on donating to the Port Orchard Community Theatre -- assuming they tell me they do indeed want it. It is in a way a big vehicle give-away trade. They had the Vanagon as a gift from Steve's brother, which they're giving to me, as they now have a nicer car as a (wedding?) gift from Steve's folks, and I'm giving my truck away. Steve called to see if they could bring it over yesterday, which was sooner than I expected, but it worked for me and we went out for dinner afterwards.
I was flattered they wanted to give the Vanagon to me, and it really struck me what a wonderful gift it was last night. Not the van, or it's value, but the friendship behind the gift. Somewhere along the line I dropped the accounting of favors and such in relationships. The only time it makes me uncomfortable is when I feel someone too often comments on how generous I am. (More on this later.) It makes me a little uncomfortable, and I thought it was a tinge of guilt about enjoying the appreciation. It may have been at one time, but now it is more a fear that if I'm reminded I'll start keeping track again or maybe they are. That's now a stupid fear for me. Once you've experienced and embraced freedom it is hard to put yourself back in the cage, and it is inane to worry whether someone else is keeping a tally.
The flattery struck me because I fully realized while they appreciate much of what I've done, as I've appreciated them, they didn't give me the van as payback, but because they cherish our friendship as do I. It's wonderful, and a very trying hurdle for me. There is a little resistance inside which makes it hard to accept I could actually mean as much to other people as they do to me. That resistant little voice has been with me as long as I remember. Is it a burden of just a few, or is it something most people deal with? I suspect the latter, but we always want company, don't we?
It is only relatively recently I truly cared so much about my friends. Doing, rather than professing the importance of friends. The platitudes about loving yourself before you can love others have real merit. It goes further. If you are able to care more for yourself and your friends, they'll care more for you. I wondered how to make people like more happen ten, twenty years ago. I never did figure out how to make it happen. Somewhere along the line it turns out I let it happen. Maybe if I deal with that voice of resistance I'll be able to let more happen.
Generosity, which I said I'd come back to is an example. I often give time, effort, and such to friends and charities because I want to. It makes me feel good, and that is more than enough reward. In the past I had expectations. Payment in kind, special consideration, love, admiration, or something. I don't know what I wanted, and wonder if I did then. Now the act of giving is enough. I'm done. I'm often startled and pleasantly surprised when someone thanks me for something I'd pretty much forgotten about.
Is it really a gift if you are expecting to be lauded and honored? It is not for me, it means I haven't yet given a gift. Rather, I'm still possessive and haven't let go of whatever it was I tried to give. Strings are an encumbrance, and for me they were a bigger encumbrance than for the person or organization I was trying to do something for. Odd isn't it? It turns out that giving into the personal, even selfish, enjoyment of giving I learned to be truly generous.
I marvel anyone reads this. I feel these are basic life skills and habits I'm learning and exploring in my middle age. I probably wouldn't have thought all this out and explored it if I'd learned about friendship, generosity, or art with my peers in my teens and twenties. There are other things I excelled at. Is that how people become wise, by learning when they are past the blur of youth? The things I am learning in my forties have the added layer of being aware of the process as I am educated. The struggle and the steps are part of what I learn. I believe I could help someone learn to be more social or work in theatre better than I could help them learn programming or aviation. I don't remember the struggle, the little steps, the breakthroughs for those older skills. Maybe it is more to do with passion? I suspect wisdom needs the tempering of both age and passion to reach it's full potential and richness.
I wonder where will tonight's dinner take my thoughts? ETI has me thinking about my meetings with friends a lot more than I would with an easier schedule. On the one hand it is teaching me what matters most in my life. On the other hand, I look forward to enjoying them more casually and more often when I again have some leisure time.
I was flattered they wanted to give the Vanagon to me, and it really struck me what a wonderful gift it was last night. Not the van, or it's value, but the friendship behind the gift. Somewhere along the line I dropped the accounting of favors and such in relationships. The only time it makes me uncomfortable is when I feel someone too often comments on how generous I am. (More on this later.) It makes me a little uncomfortable, and I thought it was a tinge of guilt about enjoying the appreciation. It may have been at one time, but now it is more a fear that if I'm reminded I'll start keeping track again or maybe they are. That's now a stupid fear for me. Once you've experienced and embraced freedom it is hard to put yourself back in the cage, and it is inane to worry whether someone else is keeping a tally.
The flattery struck me because I fully realized while they appreciate much of what I've done, as I've appreciated them, they didn't give me the van as payback, but because they cherish our friendship as do I. It's wonderful, and a very trying hurdle for me. There is a little resistance inside which makes it hard to accept I could actually mean as much to other people as they do to me. That resistant little voice has been with me as long as I remember. Is it a burden of just a few, or is it something most people deal with? I suspect the latter, but we always want company, don't we?
It is only relatively recently I truly cared so much about my friends. Doing, rather than professing the importance of friends. The platitudes about loving yourself before you can love others have real merit. It goes further. If you are able to care more for yourself and your friends, they'll care more for you. I wondered how to make people like more happen ten, twenty years ago. I never did figure out how to make it happen. Somewhere along the line it turns out I let it happen. Maybe if I deal with that voice of resistance I'll be able to let more happen.
Generosity, which I said I'd come back to is an example. I often give time, effort, and such to friends and charities because I want to. It makes me feel good, and that is more than enough reward. In the past I had expectations. Payment in kind, special consideration, love, admiration, or something. I don't know what I wanted, and wonder if I did then. Now the act of giving is enough. I'm done. I'm often startled and pleasantly surprised when someone thanks me for something I'd pretty much forgotten about.
Is it really a gift if you are expecting to be lauded and honored? It is not for me, it means I haven't yet given a gift. Rather, I'm still possessive and haven't let go of whatever it was I tried to give. Strings are an encumbrance, and for me they were a bigger encumbrance than for the person or organization I was trying to do something for. Odd isn't it? It turns out that giving into the personal, even selfish, enjoyment of giving I learned to be truly generous.
I marvel anyone reads this. I feel these are basic life skills and habits I'm learning and exploring in my middle age. I probably wouldn't have thought all this out and explored it if I'd learned about friendship, generosity, or art with my peers in my teens and twenties. There are other things I excelled at. Is that how people become wise, by learning when they are past the blur of youth? The things I am learning in my forties have the added layer of being aware of the process as I am educated. The struggle and the steps are part of what I learn. I believe I could help someone learn to be more social or work in theatre better than I could help them learn programming or aviation. I don't remember the struggle, the little steps, the breakthroughs for those older skills. Maybe it is more to do with passion? I suspect wisdom needs the tempering of both age and passion to reach it's full potential and richness.
I wonder where will tonight's dinner take my thoughts? ETI has me thinking about my meetings with friends a lot more than I would with an easier schedule. On the one hand it is teaching me what matters most in my life. On the other hand, I look forward to enjoying them more casually and more often when I again have some leisure time.
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