(In)coherence?
I am not the person who a month and a half ago was preparing for ETI. Of course I am, but not really. It started with the realization I am not the same actor I was.
I feel the desire to have and to joyfully employ a solid and enhanced process. 'Joyfully' is the key word. I have pursued many interests and careers over the years, and the advanced process step is where I typically lose interest, see the spark burn out. I've begrudgingly used just enough process to stay above average, generally fairly far on the happy side of the bell curve. I had just gotten to the point where further discovery lost it's lustre. Where the old passion seemed naive.
I was starting to feel that loss of passion in acting, and didn't understand it. I think there were two aspects. The lesser was the concept I've gone on about a lot lately. Habit. That I could deal with. I knew in my heart I had a deep hunger for more, and struggled with the stagnancy I was feeling. I wasn't bored of theatre, I hadn't lost interest, yet something was gone. I think it was malnourishment of the soul. Oooo, deep obscure thought warning! Be patient, it's not all that obtuse. Were you ever bored in grade school, totally disinterested because there was nothing new in a class? Ever blank out on the freeway, forgetting the last fifty miles, or driving well beyond your exit? That's where I was.
I'm not in any way mature in my training. I was hungering for more, and feeling stifled knowing there was so much more I could or should do. Like a child needing education to feel interested in school. I followed my desire to ETI, after watching the second term recital and then final performance for the previous class which started three years ago. My heart had the answer this time. I feel recharged in my acting, and I'm certainly not blowing away my classmates. I'm building the very skills I've felt I lacked in, and slowly filling the void which was sucking away at my passion.
How about that. Diving in deeper quickly restored passion. I knew it wouldn't have when I decided to not attend medical school. I knew it wouldn't when I decided I wouldn't make a career of Naval Aviation. I knew it wouldn't when computer science lost it's lustre. Those are just the biggies, and doesn't include the non-work interests over the years. Theatre improved all aspects of my life. There's the logical, but there is another awareness deep inside somewhere, my heart I suppose. I know this is what I was meant for. It doesn't matter if I'm thought a mediocre talent or considered brilliant in the eyes of the world. It is where I belong in so many ways, and seem to more and more. What a bizarre dichotomy. To find the eyes of the world meaningless in a pursuit where you are utterly focused on serving the audience. I don't know what it means at the moment, but it intrigues me warmly.
I would not approach any character as I have in the past. Those tools are still there. Some enhanced and built upon, some new tools, and a better integration of the varied steps and approaches. I don't know if I'd appear different on stage tomorrow, and that doesn't matter. I do believe I can already be more consistent, and much more truthful. I feel like my eyes are just opening, and I wonder who I will be next July when I've finished ETI.
In the same way I feel I've changed as a person. It's another internal change, which may or may not be perceivable, and feels profound as well. There is a heightened awareness of what I am doing from moment to moment. When I'm at work, I'm more aware of when I am not working and why. (On the up side for my employers I deduct that time.) When I'm on the motorcycle I notice the close connection to the outdoors. I'm more aware of people's subtext and body language. I still see the evil in the world, in my country, locale. Still, the world around me is more colorful and rich and wonderful than I have perceived in ages.
I'm scared. Don't know where I'm going and it is exciting, and scary. I'm not longer clear on where I've been, and it is scary. My values are evolving and becoming more rigid and loving, both of which are wildly different than the typical 'christian' mentality. Finally, one that doesn't scare me. I'm fulfilled and lonely, and it is scary.
On rereading this something rang my bell. Discovery. In the past when a life pursuit lost it's passion for me, the discoveries were dull, repetitive, and lacking the life of earlier discovery. Computer science the discoveries were mostly that coding was intuitive and simple to my thought processes. Very much the same for other pursuits. I haven't found that in acting, or art in general. New discoveries remain fresh and ever more exciting and entrancing. I can see the beauty in a complex algorithm, I can feel the beauty in a complex character. Is that the difference, or simply the logical side getting in my way?
Discovery is scary. The very word implies an unknown. I changed from medical science, to military applied science, to computer science. Those were major changes, but nothing like the magnitude or changing direction to pursue art. Growing up timid in my life, dismissing anything of beauty of interest in my life if I could think of any possible reason it would upset those I was groomed and manipulated to serve. Learning it wasn't my job to be the peacemaker, that I actually had value all by myself was a huge step, then learning to embrace real change was in large part a huge bit of luck. Who do I thank? Is stepping into the unknown enough to show my thanks.
It is late, I'm nearly done with my Saturday bit at the office. Wish my current code test good luck, will you? Because pass or fail I have to get my tail home so I can sleep and get to class tomorrow morning.
I feel the desire to have and to joyfully employ a solid and enhanced process. 'Joyfully' is the key word. I have pursued many interests and careers over the years, and the advanced process step is where I typically lose interest, see the spark burn out. I've begrudgingly used just enough process to stay above average, generally fairly far on the happy side of the bell curve. I had just gotten to the point where further discovery lost it's lustre. Where the old passion seemed naive.
I was starting to feel that loss of passion in acting, and didn't understand it. I think there were two aspects. The lesser was the concept I've gone on about a lot lately. Habit. That I could deal with. I knew in my heart I had a deep hunger for more, and struggled with the stagnancy I was feeling. I wasn't bored of theatre, I hadn't lost interest, yet something was gone. I think it was malnourishment of the soul. Oooo, deep obscure thought warning! Be patient, it's not all that obtuse. Were you ever bored in grade school, totally disinterested because there was nothing new in a class? Ever blank out on the freeway, forgetting the last fifty miles, or driving well beyond your exit? That's where I was.
I'm not in any way mature in my training. I was hungering for more, and feeling stifled knowing there was so much more I could or should do. Like a child needing education to feel interested in school. I followed my desire to ETI, after watching the second term recital and then final performance for the previous class which started three years ago. My heart had the answer this time. I feel recharged in my acting, and I'm certainly not blowing away my classmates. I'm building the very skills I've felt I lacked in, and slowly filling the void which was sucking away at my passion.
How about that. Diving in deeper quickly restored passion. I knew it wouldn't have when I decided to not attend medical school. I knew it wouldn't when I decided I wouldn't make a career of Naval Aviation. I knew it wouldn't when computer science lost it's lustre. Those are just the biggies, and doesn't include the non-work interests over the years. Theatre improved all aspects of my life. There's the logical, but there is another awareness deep inside somewhere, my heart I suppose. I know this is what I was meant for. It doesn't matter if I'm thought a mediocre talent or considered brilliant in the eyes of the world. It is where I belong in so many ways, and seem to more and more. What a bizarre dichotomy. To find the eyes of the world meaningless in a pursuit where you are utterly focused on serving the audience. I don't know what it means at the moment, but it intrigues me warmly.
I would not approach any character as I have in the past. Those tools are still there. Some enhanced and built upon, some new tools, and a better integration of the varied steps and approaches. I don't know if I'd appear different on stage tomorrow, and that doesn't matter. I do believe I can already be more consistent, and much more truthful. I feel like my eyes are just opening, and I wonder who I will be next July when I've finished ETI.
In the same way I feel I've changed as a person. It's another internal change, which may or may not be perceivable, and feels profound as well. There is a heightened awareness of what I am doing from moment to moment. When I'm at work, I'm more aware of when I am not working and why. (On the up side for my employers I deduct that time.) When I'm on the motorcycle I notice the close connection to the outdoors. I'm more aware of people's subtext and body language. I still see the evil in the world, in my country, locale. Still, the world around me is more colorful and rich and wonderful than I have perceived in ages.
I'm scared. Don't know where I'm going and it is exciting, and scary. I'm not longer clear on where I've been, and it is scary. My values are evolving and becoming more rigid and loving, both of which are wildly different than the typical 'christian' mentality. Finally, one that doesn't scare me. I'm fulfilled and lonely, and it is scary.
On rereading this something rang my bell. Discovery. In the past when a life pursuit lost it's passion for me, the discoveries were dull, repetitive, and lacking the life of earlier discovery. Computer science the discoveries were mostly that coding was intuitive and simple to my thought processes. Very much the same for other pursuits. I haven't found that in acting, or art in general. New discoveries remain fresh and ever more exciting and entrancing. I can see the beauty in a complex algorithm, I can feel the beauty in a complex character. Is that the difference, or simply the logical side getting in my way?
Discovery is scary. The very word implies an unknown. I changed from medical science, to military applied science, to computer science. Those were major changes, but nothing like the magnitude or changing direction to pursue art. Growing up timid in my life, dismissing anything of beauty of interest in my life if I could think of any possible reason it would upset those I was groomed and manipulated to serve. Learning it wasn't my job to be the peacemaker, that I actually had value all by myself was a huge step, then learning to embrace real change was in large part a huge bit of luck. Who do I thank? Is stepping into the unknown enough to show my thanks.
It is late, I'm nearly done with my Saturday bit at the office. Wish my current code test good luck, will you? Because pass or fail I have to get my tail home so I can sleep and get to class tomorrow morning.
1 Comments:
This is great stuff. Inspiring! Thanks - I need it.
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