Getting Tight
This morning getting up after my first ETI class which was last night, I was thinking about the difference between my attitude starting class this year and previous school experiences in my life. It reminded me of a musing a week ago at the office supply store.
I was at the check out line of the big box store which put a better stocked locally owned store out of business. I was buying supplies for class and for mailing DVD's (for cast the of The Cherry Orchard). I remember how every year in the last half of grade school all the way through college and flight school I got these pretty supplies planning to organize myself like all the good kids with proud mommies so I'd blow away everybody else.
I of course rarely blew away the academic or aviation worlds. I'd get bored to distraction, and coast along spending the minimal effort to get A's and a few B's. My notebooks were never smartly organized and attractive. Mostly they moldered in a drawer someplace, while I used a single notebook for everything, with handouts folded and stuffed in it randomly for later reference assuming it didn't fall out while rushing to a job, class or some social activity.
I wondered how many children were looking forward to a new beginning while they picked out the supplies which would flavor their world view for the next nine or ten months. How many will make it, and how many will become disinterested as I did? I didn't really think much about the difference at the time, as I was simply thinking of supplies and what I wanted.
This morning it hit me. I'm not in ETI to blow away the class, rather to blow away myself. To greatly grow and evolve my world view of myself, creating something new. I think same is true for most or maybe all of the class. Sure, the competitive urge isn't dead, but it seems inane when it becomes anything more than one of the many small urges to keep you going. We were all doing work which for me would have felt silly three years ago. Even two years ago when I was ready for more and starting Meisner it still felt awkward, and did for much of the year. It is a subtle change. You just do it, whether it is making weird noises, physical gestures, or imaginings. There is more of an experiential quality when self-consciousness is more subdued.
The focus is not on dropping walls to accomplish the exercise, it is on what the exercise brings to you. There is still an awareness of where you're resisting or blocking, and often what needs adjustment to reduce it. I was struck by what we were doing in our first day of class. No struggling by the class to be receptive and open, rather an immediate immersion and leaping off. I was aware of the trust of and from my classmates last night which makes it that much easier. A subtle yet profound change in myself, and I'm not sure when it occurred, though I assume it was gradual. I'm much more excited about the class now, but no less nervous. I think in the next week as I get over this freaking cold and get immersed in all the classes, I won't have time to feel nerves. I sure didn't last night once class started.
I've dropped some enjoyable(?) vices or time wasters. During the before class chatter I found I'm not the only one. People have given up drinking, smoking, etc. I think it is a desire for focus and dedication to bring everything we can for ourselves and each other. I did catch myself out last night. After I got home I put my dinner in the oven and fiddled around waiting for it to cook, then cool off while I unwound in a leisurely way. I got to bed nearly two hours after I got home. An old and enjoyable habit from my Meisner class.
Like my evening drink and such, or my longish review of the morning paper, the spool down after class is a luxury I don't consider necessary or more desirable than what I could accomplish if I used the time for something else. Like say, sleeping. As I was heading to bed I realized I didn't need the extra food at that moment, nor did I have a critical need to unwind and assimilate after class. Like the subtle yet profound change in doing the work and exploration it is a relic from another time. I am more in tune with art now, and I don't feel I need a conscious and time consuming effort to switch modes. It is a smoother and less profound transition, if it even is a transition rather than a small shift in focus. This changed world view may be what I experienced subconsciously before I could comfortably state, "I am an artist." This happened just over a year ago, as I completed Meisner. It was only a year or so before that I accepted myself saying, "I am an actor."
Class itself feels different from all the previous schools I prepared for. We are pursuing goals -- things I really want to know, and have just enough experience to know are skills and processes I want to have and use. And more importantly, why I want to have and use them.
I'm reminded of scriptwriting. The most important step for me (and most others) in molding a story, is tightening the script. There's a feeling of doing just that on several fronts in my life right now. In how I use my time to support my goals. How I work artistically on the logical, physical, and creative fronts in class have the feeling too. An enhanced focus and engagement, much as results from tightening a script. Review is good, but learning to crawl needs to be assumed for the time being. We're learning to walk, maybe even run. Don't need to go over the setup again. To follow the simile, that would be exposition which we've done already -- the audition and referral requirements checked for that. I'm sure I'll want to review some of those basics, but that is more akin to a rewrite and not appropriate to the task at hand.
I was at the check out line of the big box store which put a better stocked locally owned store out of business. I was buying supplies for class and for mailing DVD's (for cast the of The Cherry Orchard). I remember how every year in the last half of grade school all the way through college and flight school I got these pretty supplies planning to organize myself like all the good kids with proud mommies so I'd blow away everybody else.
I of course rarely blew away the academic or aviation worlds. I'd get bored to distraction, and coast along spending the minimal effort to get A's and a few B's. My notebooks were never smartly organized and attractive. Mostly they moldered in a drawer someplace, while I used a single notebook for everything, with handouts folded and stuffed in it randomly for later reference assuming it didn't fall out while rushing to a job, class or some social activity.
I wondered how many children were looking forward to a new beginning while they picked out the supplies which would flavor their world view for the next nine or ten months. How many will make it, and how many will become disinterested as I did? I didn't really think much about the difference at the time, as I was simply thinking of supplies and what I wanted.
This morning it hit me. I'm not in ETI to blow away the class, rather to blow away myself. To greatly grow and evolve my world view of myself, creating something new. I think same is true for most or maybe all of the class. Sure, the competitive urge isn't dead, but it seems inane when it becomes anything more than one of the many small urges to keep you going. We were all doing work which for me would have felt silly three years ago. Even two years ago when I was ready for more and starting Meisner it still felt awkward, and did for much of the year. It is a subtle change. You just do it, whether it is making weird noises, physical gestures, or imaginings. There is more of an experiential quality when self-consciousness is more subdued.
The focus is not on dropping walls to accomplish the exercise, it is on what the exercise brings to you. There is still an awareness of where you're resisting or blocking, and often what needs adjustment to reduce it. I was struck by what we were doing in our first day of class. No struggling by the class to be receptive and open, rather an immediate immersion and leaping off. I was aware of the trust of and from my classmates last night which makes it that much easier. A subtle yet profound change in myself, and I'm not sure when it occurred, though I assume it was gradual. I'm much more excited about the class now, but no less nervous. I think in the next week as I get over this freaking cold and get immersed in all the classes, I won't have time to feel nerves. I sure didn't last night once class started.
I've dropped some enjoyable(?) vices or time wasters. During the before class chatter I found I'm not the only one. People have given up drinking, smoking, etc. I think it is a desire for focus and dedication to bring everything we can for ourselves and each other. I did catch myself out last night. After I got home I put my dinner in the oven and fiddled around waiting for it to cook, then cool off while I unwound in a leisurely way. I got to bed nearly two hours after I got home. An old and enjoyable habit from my Meisner class.
Like my evening drink and such, or my longish review of the morning paper, the spool down after class is a luxury I don't consider necessary or more desirable than what I could accomplish if I used the time for something else. Like say, sleeping. As I was heading to bed I realized I didn't need the extra food at that moment, nor did I have a critical need to unwind and assimilate after class. Like the subtle yet profound change in doing the work and exploration it is a relic from another time. I am more in tune with art now, and I don't feel I need a conscious and time consuming effort to switch modes. It is a smoother and less profound transition, if it even is a transition rather than a small shift in focus. This changed world view may be what I experienced subconsciously before I could comfortably state, "I am an artist." This happened just over a year ago, as I completed Meisner. It was only a year or so before that I accepted myself saying, "I am an actor."
Class itself feels different from all the previous schools I prepared for. We are pursuing goals -- things I really want to know, and have just enough experience to know are skills and processes I want to have and use. And more importantly, why I want to have and use them.
I'm reminded of scriptwriting. The most important step for me (and most others) in molding a story, is tightening the script. There's a feeling of doing just that on several fronts in my life right now. In how I use my time to support my goals. How I work artistically on the logical, physical, and creative fronts in class have the feeling too. An enhanced focus and engagement, much as results from tightening a script. Review is good, but learning to crawl needs to be assumed for the time being. We're learning to walk, maybe even run. Don't need to go over the setup again. To follow the simile, that would be exposition which we've done already -- the audition and referral requirements checked for that. I'm sure I'll want to review some of those basics, but that is more akin to a rewrite and not appropriate to the task at hand.
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