Finding Pieces for the Whole
I feel pretty drained. I also feel pretty filled. I feel good physically. Then again, I feel a lot of physical pains. I'm wide awake to the world. I'm really tired. I sleep soundly with more dreams. I wake up easily and frequently. I enjoy my day job more. I want to give up my day job. I want to crawl away and rest for a couple days. I want to celebrate for a couple days. My days are filled beginning to end.
My life is in flux. Once again, I don't quite know where it is I'm going but I'm engaged in going somewhere specific, striving to be fully engaged. Not surprisingly I'm using the terms in the theatrical convention, but it certainly applies to my life as a whole right now.
My other blog, which is not indexed is at http://etij.blogspot.com. It ain't a secret, rather a tool totally for myself. It serves a couple purposes. First, is my class journal/notebook, which I'd think is pretty dry and basic for others not in theatre and at a point to distant in their path. One of the instructors, George I think, suggested keeping just such a journal expecting a few of us will become instructors somewhere ourselves and it is a nice reference when preparing for that first class and you're asking yourself, "Where the Hell do I start?" The second is for observations I make regarding art as it applies to the training and theatre. Basically an online version of a class notebook. Pretty dry stuff for the most part, simply a record of what I'm spending most of my energy on these days.
On Monday I finally got to see Steve and Paula again, back a bit over a week from their honeymoon. We saw Frozen at the Empty Space. Wow. Heavy topic, a serial pedophile murderer and the mother of one of the victims, and a psychiatrist studying the killer. The first half hour or more was a series of monologues providing backstory and exposition and drawing the characters together before the first interactions. The topic, the structure of the play, and the stark set made it a challenging production. Any weakness in any one of the actors and the show would have gone to doodoo. I don't know if someone outside of the inner workings of theatre would be aware of that, but they'd certainly recognize something sublime was going on.
One of my voice instructors, Kate, is in the show. She and the other two actors were incredible. It was not easy material, and watching the show I was astounded as it unfolded. I was easily pulled into the world, even while being aware that every one of the actors had to be terrific for the show to work, and work it did. It is a raw psychological and spiritual exploration, and even if that is not your cup of tea I don't know how you could fail to be impressed. And this was the third of four previews. If like most shows it grows during the run it will be truly phenomenal. Seeing work like this makes you feel a little intimidated about calling yourself an actor or artist. There is also a yearning ache to participate in something as powerful. It is not a hopeless feeling, after all I am in ETI something I thought was a decade away a bit over two years ago.
It was wonderful to get out for a show like this. All the discussion of theatre and art in class and here can get to feeling a bit removed. I work with a great ensemble, and instructors for whom I have a great deal of respect, many of whom I've seen do this kind of work. I'm reminded that while I like sitting at the feet of masters and learning, that is not the end goal. That is one of the traps. It is a snare, where you get caught in the mode of growth at the master's feet for it's own sake. At some point you risk becoming an erudite couch potato. There is also the trap of losing touch with the art itself you are working to hone. I can't imagine going through a program like this without getting out to see some productions. I want to be involved in the life blood of theatre, and I crave the breath of that life every so often.
It was of course wonderful to see Steve and Paula as well. I was looking forward to that much more than the show. Afterwards we walked down to Costa's, where they snacked and I had dinner. I was starving, and ate a bit too quickly though not so much that I had trouble getting to sleep. They are starting to build something. Getting married feels like it was a catalyst, and I'm looking forward to seeing where they will go. It will be fun. We were chatting about their honeymoon and got around to ETI. I quipped after ETI I'll either be a broken man or craving a long, long rest. Paula said nonsense. I'd be itching to get back into a show within two weeks. I laughed. I don't know about two weeks, but it likely won't be much longer.
Training takes training. I've upped the training stakes continually. Every time I get deeply involved I figure I'll want a long rest, then it turns out a short rest is all I can bear. I now know from experience the training is not something which will burn me out. That and getting out to see shows serve to keep me motivated and invested.
Every once in a while I remind myself during class to stay tuned in. Something I have never done before. Not during 20 years of public school and college. Not during my ten years in the Navy, most of which it seems was training time. This is a new approach and habit, radically different from my old mode of going into a near trance focused simply on sticking it out. How much of that change is art, how much maturity? I suspect it is a nonsensical question, rather it is a maturity and focus I gained from art.
Where else can I challenge myself in ways I never imagined and commune with fellow human beings? I'd be surprised if there are paths which can make one whole which are devoid of art. I'd be more surprised to find in the afterlife that I stumbled into the only path which would take me towards being a whole being. It is enough I found a path to start upon.
My life is in flux. Once again, I don't quite know where it is I'm going but I'm engaged in going somewhere specific, striving to be fully engaged. Not surprisingly I'm using the terms in the theatrical convention, but it certainly applies to my life as a whole right now.
My other blog, which is not indexed is at http://etij.blogspot.com. It ain't a secret, rather a tool totally for myself. It serves a couple purposes. First, is my class journal/notebook, which I'd think is pretty dry and basic for others not in theatre and at a point to distant in their path. One of the instructors, George I think, suggested keeping just such a journal expecting a few of us will become instructors somewhere ourselves and it is a nice reference when preparing for that first class and you're asking yourself, "Where the Hell do I start?" The second is for observations I make regarding art as it applies to the training and theatre. Basically an online version of a class notebook. Pretty dry stuff for the most part, simply a record of what I'm spending most of my energy on these days.
On Monday I finally got to see Steve and Paula again, back a bit over a week from their honeymoon. We saw Frozen at the Empty Space. Wow. Heavy topic, a serial pedophile murderer and the mother of one of the victims, and a psychiatrist studying the killer. The first half hour or more was a series of monologues providing backstory and exposition and drawing the characters together before the first interactions. The topic, the structure of the play, and the stark set made it a challenging production. Any weakness in any one of the actors and the show would have gone to doodoo. I don't know if someone outside of the inner workings of theatre would be aware of that, but they'd certainly recognize something sublime was going on.
One of my voice instructors, Kate, is in the show. She and the other two actors were incredible. It was not easy material, and watching the show I was astounded as it unfolded. I was easily pulled into the world, even while being aware that every one of the actors had to be terrific for the show to work, and work it did. It is a raw psychological and spiritual exploration, and even if that is not your cup of tea I don't know how you could fail to be impressed. And this was the third of four previews. If like most shows it grows during the run it will be truly phenomenal. Seeing work like this makes you feel a little intimidated about calling yourself an actor or artist. There is also a yearning ache to participate in something as powerful. It is not a hopeless feeling, after all I am in ETI something I thought was a decade away a bit over two years ago.
It was wonderful to get out for a show like this. All the discussion of theatre and art in class and here can get to feeling a bit removed. I work with a great ensemble, and instructors for whom I have a great deal of respect, many of whom I've seen do this kind of work. I'm reminded that while I like sitting at the feet of masters and learning, that is not the end goal. That is one of the traps. It is a snare, where you get caught in the mode of growth at the master's feet for it's own sake. At some point you risk becoming an erudite couch potato. There is also the trap of losing touch with the art itself you are working to hone. I can't imagine going through a program like this without getting out to see some productions. I want to be involved in the life blood of theatre, and I crave the breath of that life every so often.
It was of course wonderful to see Steve and Paula as well. I was looking forward to that much more than the show. Afterwards we walked down to Costa's, where they snacked and I had dinner. I was starving, and ate a bit too quickly though not so much that I had trouble getting to sleep. They are starting to build something. Getting married feels like it was a catalyst, and I'm looking forward to seeing where they will go. It will be fun. We were chatting about their honeymoon and got around to ETI. I quipped after ETI I'll either be a broken man or craving a long, long rest. Paula said nonsense. I'd be itching to get back into a show within two weeks. I laughed. I don't know about two weeks, but it likely won't be much longer.
Training takes training. I've upped the training stakes continually. Every time I get deeply involved I figure I'll want a long rest, then it turns out a short rest is all I can bear. I now know from experience the training is not something which will burn me out. That and getting out to see shows serve to keep me motivated and invested.
Every once in a while I remind myself during class to stay tuned in. Something I have never done before. Not during 20 years of public school and college. Not during my ten years in the Navy, most of which it seems was training time. This is a new approach and habit, radically different from my old mode of going into a near trance focused simply on sticking it out. How much of that change is art, how much maturity? I suspect it is a nonsensical question, rather it is a maturity and focus I gained from art.
Where else can I challenge myself in ways I never imagined and commune with fellow human beings? I'd be surprised if there are paths which can make one whole which are devoid of art. I'd be more surprised to find in the afterlife that I stumbled into the only path which would take me towards being a whole being. It is enough I found a path to start upon.
1 Comments:
I like the many-truths-ness of this.
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