Mean Mr. Mustard

Been pretty busy. Little things, lots of them. Not much of note. I'm getting a few more areas of my house under control, as I don't expect have much time to do it once school starts, and I'm finding the nicer rooms make me feel better. Didn't give a whip a few years ago. I looked at my living room last night and said, "Bleccch!" Funny, as it is less cluttered and messy than it would have been after a good holystoning a few years ago.

Saturday was sweltering, so of course that is the day I tackled the giant pile of papers. It is all gone, with about half going through the shredder. It is an inexpensive little shredder and is now asking, what the Sam Hell were you thinking? Hey I don't have air conditioning, so I felt as miserable. Made money too, as I didn't realize anyone had sent me checks, and found the Navy check I thought was never sent. They changed envelopes this year. It will help me pay for ETI, and this year's check will cover the balance.

I just got a call from Freehold. The Shakespeare Intensive has been cancelled. Too much confusion with the (pregnant) instructor in the hospital with pneumonia, and too many people dropped the course. I was perfectly willing to make up the missed classes and work with a substitute for the first week. I'm a little disappointed people couldn't deal with it. It was a big commitment and a reasonable though costly tuition. If you were willing to take the class, it seems to me you should have been willing to work it out. I think there were a couple people expecting magic, getting something out of the class without working at it, just having a detailed syllabus and paying the money. For me, to really get something down I have to work it several times, burn it in so to speak.

With ETI coming up, I probably didn't really need the Shakespeare course so much right now, but I planned to take it anyway to give me a little more exposure before the conservatory immersion. Maybe I'll take a motorcycle trip this month instead. Ride down to California or up to Canada again. Or maybe be smart and get work done around the house so I have a more tranquil refuge while balancing the day job and intense vocational training, then take a real break after the first quarter.

The ice cream I made for Sunday came out fantastic. I'm not big on chocolate ice cream, except for what I make. I think some of it is the elbow grease factor, like when I make bread which I knead by hand. I think it tastes better because of the more personal involvement when doing things yourself. The ice cream more so, because I cranked the bucket after a sweltering day of sorting papers.

I went to the Lavy's picnic, and Joseph had a bit before I left and was quite enthusiastic. I've had a small bowl as a dessert the last couple days, and I've quite enjoyed it. It also has the benefit of satisfying me quickly. Four to six ounces leaves me as happy as a pint of any of the store bought ice creams. That keeps the intake down. Plus store ice cream is a lot less appealing when I've been eating the homemade. Even less intake, as I don't buy it. So, I make ice cream to keep my weight down. Lovely bit of reasoning, eh?

I just got an E-mail from Stuart, who directed The Cherry Orchard and wrote an ETI letter of reference for me. Last week I'd thanked him, passed on Trina's compliments about the show, and let him know I was accepted. His reply was very gracious and he attached the letter he wrote for my files. Very nice -- it made me blush. It more than makes up for the sour response I got from the other director I worked with this year. One of the things Stuart mentioned was the distinct characters I created! You may remember that was my number one goal, and at least three people I respect have commented on it. It is nice feedback right now because looking at the gruelling year about to start, the recurrent actor confidence crisis is waxing. Here's to waning, may it start soon!

It is a gift to have people who believe in you. Undoubtedly the most important person to believe in you is yourself. It is still important to have that support from others. In the last year I've had significant roles in two productions and it was the director earlier in the year who was so discouraging. Stuart's encouragement and kind words will be remembered and somehow a part of me for a long time to come.

The other fella? Well, he's one of those people I'd be very careful about working with again, because it would be harder to trust him again. To be fair I wasn't focused for that production, as I was trying to do everything I'd learned the year before in Meisner. I should have known better.

Do we choose people who thrive on tearing us down or those who are encouraging and caring? Boiling it down to the essence like this makes it sound like a leading question. It is really hard to live that way. Picking people who are sincere and encouraging is the way to go. People who give sincere encouragement and compliments are almost always thoughtful enough to suggest caution too. People who need to tear down others to build themselves up only seem to give encouragement when they feel coerced. Ever notice how compliments from someone who usually yells, micromanages, and/or manipulates mean less than shit? I think it is because it is simply an artifice meant to put you in their debt for the great effort they made to be gracious.

There are people like this we feel bound to, or have some affection towards, who in reality are life-force vampires. It is so hard to distance or separate from them. Why the Hell is it so hard? One of those human conundrums I suppose. We convince ourselves the guilt or pain of shedding the parasites is worse than dealing with them. Hello! I've finally started shedding some of those people and I have yet to be racked with guilt. Not a one of the soul defilers has caused me any pain once I purged their grip. The trick is recognizing them not for what they are, but for what they do to you. They may not be bad for everybody. If they are bad for you, don't get mad. Get away!