Waiting
On the political discussion group at work I did a little experiment. I read the opening of Coulter's book Treason, and wondered what would happen if I spewed that sort of demagoguery back at the neocons. So, I initiated a couple threads linking the GOP to racism and sexism. (They would definitely lose the election without those votes.) I wrote the posts, then softened the language, and went through a second cycle of softening the language.
The neocons went through the roof, going off on tangents and indiscriminate personal attacks, even attacking people that weren't on the discussion thread. Pretty informative (and a good deal of material for my writing toolbox). I wanted to answer a question I had about my brother, and my decision not to talk to him until after the election.
It was my supposition that I could not respond with the same kind of language and arguments my brother, the neocons at work, or conservative talk show hosts use. I had the feeling if I retaliated in kind I would be estranged from him for years or decades, not something I want. My brother is not the people at work or those talking on the radio. Yet they all sound like carbon copies to my 'liberal' ear. Judging by the response at work, I'm not willing to risk my relationship with my brother, and I don't believe I have the forbearance I need to deal with him right now.
Good timing, as yesterday my sister-in-law suggested I give him a ring, as he was feeling sad about our set to. Paraphrasing, I told her I'd best wait until after the election as I wouldn't be good company because of my anger. I am close to my brother, don't want to lose that.
So if it was you, would you go ahead and have it out with your sibling, trusting any vitriolic arguments would not affect your relationship long-term? Would you go ahead and get together and keep your mouth shut, just putting up with inevitable personal and political barbs? Or would you simply walk away from it until you cooled off?
The neocons went through the roof, going off on tangents and indiscriminate personal attacks, even attacking people that weren't on the discussion thread. Pretty informative (and a good deal of material for my writing toolbox). I wanted to answer a question I had about my brother, and my decision not to talk to him until after the election.
It was my supposition that I could not respond with the same kind of language and arguments my brother, the neocons at work, or conservative talk show hosts use. I had the feeling if I retaliated in kind I would be estranged from him for years or decades, not something I want. My brother is not the people at work or those talking on the radio. Yet they all sound like carbon copies to my 'liberal' ear. Judging by the response at work, I'm not willing to risk my relationship with my brother, and I don't believe I have the forbearance I need to deal with him right now.
Good timing, as yesterday my sister-in-law suggested I give him a ring, as he was feeling sad about our set to. Paraphrasing, I told her I'd best wait until after the election as I wouldn't be good company because of my anger. I am close to my brother, don't want to lose that.
So if it was you, would you go ahead and have it out with your sibling, trusting any vitriolic arguments would not affect your relationship long-term? Would you go ahead and get together and keep your mouth shut, just putting up with inevitable personal and political barbs? Or would you simply walk away from it until you cooled off?
2 Comments:
Oh crap. I just wrote a really long comment, and then something I typed made the whole window close.
Well, here was the gist of it: Have the meta-conversation.
The basic tack is, 1) begin by stating your goal -- that your goal is to be closer to him, and to keep him in your life forever. 2) state the problem -- we're both passionate and convicted about our political beliefs -- and we believe opposite things. The problem is, I can't tolerate talking about politics, because it makes me jump out of my skin. 3) be curious -- ask, "What's this all like for you? What's it like talking about politics from your perspective?" Be genuinely curious. And maybe, "What's our relationship like for you? What do you want out of it?"
So basically -- start by figuring out what you both want. See if you can figure out what gets in the way, how that works. And then see if you can find a solution that works for both of you.
Maybe you can, maybe you can't. But just the act of bringing it up at the meta-level, and being genuinely curious about how it works for him, is an act of respect for the relationship. It's treating him like a man, and yourself like a man. Men with different convictions, perhaps -- but men of honor and respect.
I don't know an answer. I don't know a way out. I only know that's the way in.
This is good to hear. Pretty much what I had planned to do after the election, except for asking about his perspective on discussing politics. I'll have to work on that. I don't know if I resist the idea out of prudence or because I am not really interested in how he feels about it. I just love asking myself uncomfortable questions.
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