Life in Tension
What to do? I don't know. The last couple years I've gone through short lived purging projects, getting rid of several large garbage cans of stuff each round, which at best is a meager start. It is something I now look forward to doing and completing which is a profound change.
I am continuing my tech career as a software developer. It was during down time between contracts, and before the time commitment of the Meisner Progression that I was getting some real cleaning and unloading done. Now I am a full time employee at Expedia. Before there was a little urgency because I was unemployed and thinking I should sell the house at a nice profit before I put myself in a hole. I wasn't actively looking for work, so getting called for interviews was a surprise, albeit a nice one. There's lots of tech people around and available in this economy, but a limited number that play well with others.
I have a steady job which I enjoy for the now. It is a good balance. I love theatre in all the capacities in which I have participated. I still marvel at what a shocking thing it was for me to discover I am an artist. Charge me up. I have contemplated someday giving up my high-tech daytime career, and finding a tech job with a theatre or other arts organization. That drives the urge to unload most of the possessions I hold on to. Without all the stuff I can move more quickly and select digs that are much smaller and cheaper. That would allow me to seek lower paying jobs in the artistic realm.
The down side is I worry I might lose some balance in my life. Right now I have my feet in both worlds, the 9 to 5 and the artistic. Would giving up the day job life, take something away from the joy I find in art? I lived for a long time without allowing art in my soul. It works for some, but I'm neither rightbrain nor leftbrain predominate, and I did not honor the rightbrain aspect of my psyche. Would giving up the day job leave me unbalanced again?
Could I find work in the theatre that would slake the leftbrain's thirst? Right now I write database (SQL) code, and it is both mundane and arcane. There is the additional joy of creating something, be it a simple report or a very complex bit of programming. That was not enough to satisfy the creative side of my being, would I be able to satisfy the analytical, technical side with a tech type job in the theatre?
I'll be damned if I can answer that question. Perhaps I am enjoying the current dichotomy in my life too much. I love dichotomy, in writing, acting, and life. That tension and conflict that keeps me flexing and growing. For now it is enough to keep asking the questions. I have totally changed career paths a number of times. Keeps my retirement funds a little modest, though I expect it makes the eventual retirement richer. Frankly, I can't imagine retiring in the next 30 years. Like my Grandfather I'll likely be working until I'm 76. Like him I can't imagine giving it up, probably different in that I'll be doing so for me and have no idea what I'll be doing for a day job.
Putting down my thoughts for this journal helps them sink in. I've had deep thoughts before, and in five years I'll likely look back on these thoughts with some humor too. Not dishonor, you should not dishonor where you used to be because it may be the only tangible reason for where you are and what gives you passion. The big difference, and it may be a function of maturity as much as embracing the artistic, is I act on my musings in ways I never did or even thought of before. Acting, writing, and day to day living. I was not happy where I was, and where I came from. There was a moment I knowingly altered direction. It was a small change and felt extremely daring. I suppose there was an awareness of where I'd been and where I could go. Using two meanings of the word, I was fully present to the power of the present.
I have to live in the present, and it seems I am constantly making those little alterations in direction. I must always have been making those incremental changes, totally unawares. I still don't know where the Hell I am going, and I don't give a damn. The beauty of the path is what matters at the moment. The lesser traveled path seems harder when you contemplate the first stride, and you maybe watch your feet a little too closely at first. Then you look around and say, "What in the name of all that is sacred was I thinking about?" That is something that drives me now. If I don't have those moments of wonder I get to feeling blue. Without that feeling of stepping off I get to feeling down.
I despise the D word, it is so over used, mostly as a cop out. Too many of us let feeling dead inside drive us towards conformity. It is a symptom of the least savory aspect of our culture. My typical macho male attitude of refusing to admit to a difficulty saved me. I learned to live instead of medicate. There was a risk involved, and I was aware of it. I also allowed myself to be made miserable by an over-medicated mother who has been one of the living dead for nearly 35 years. I didn't want to be like that or do that to anyone, not ever, no how, no way. I certainly wasn't pleased with where I was either. When your soul is bleak and dying it starts to take the body with it and I was becoming aware of it. I'd like to say I made a deeply informed spiritual decision to change all that. Rather, I figured, "F*** it, what have I got to lose?" I am now slowly gaining strength and health in soul and body though it seems I am proceeding at a headlong pace, because of the 180 degree change in direction. Four years have made a big positive difference for me.
Tying all these thoughts together (finally, you say), I am back to where I started. I'm not real sure of where I am going, don't know what to do. I just know I have to do something. Embrace the leftbrain/rightbrain tension, be open to change, and see where it takes me. It is a type of uncertainty that I love.
I am continuing my tech career as a software developer. It was during down time between contracts, and before the time commitment of the Meisner Progression that I was getting some real cleaning and unloading done. Now I am a full time employee at Expedia. Before there was a little urgency because I was unemployed and thinking I should sell the house at a nice profit before I put myself in a hole. I wasn't actively looking for work, so getting called for interviews was a surprise, albeit a nice one. There's lots of tech people around and available in this economy, but a limited number that play well with others.
I have a steady job which I enjoy for the now. It is a good balance. I love theatre in all the capacities in which I have participated. I still marvel at what a shocking thing it was for me to discover I am an artist. Charge me up. I have contemplated someday giving up my high-tech daytime career, and finding a tech job with a theatre or other arts organization. That drives the urge to unload most of the possessions I hold on to. Without all the stuff I can move more quickly and select digs that are much smaller and cheaper. That would allow me to seek lower paying jobs in the artistic realm.
The down side is I worry I might lose some balance in my life. Right now I have my feet in both worlds, the 9 to 5 and the artistic. Would giving up the day job life, take something away from the joy I find in art? I lived for a long time without allowing art in my soul. It works for some, but I'm neither rightbrain nor leftbrain predominate, and I did not honor the rightbrain aspect of my psyche. Would giving up the day job leave me unbalanced again?
Could I find work in the theatre that would slake the leftbrain's thirst? Right now I write database (SQL) code, and it is both mundane and arcane. There is the additional joy of creating something, be it a simple report or a very complex bit of programming. That was not enough to satisfy the creative side of my being, would I be able to satisfy the analytical, technical side with a tech type job in the theatre?
I'll be damned if I can answer that question. Perhaps I am enjoying the current dichotomy in my life too much. I love dichotomy, in writing, acting, and life. That tension and conflict that keeps me flexing and growing. For now it is enough to keep asking the questions. I have totally changed career paths a number of times. Keeps my retirement funds a little modest, though I expect it makes the eventual retirement richer. Frankly, I can't imagine retiring in the next 30 years. Like my Grandfather I'll likely be working until I'm 76. Like him I can't imagine giving it up, probably different in that I'll be doing so for me and have no idea what I'll be doing for a day job.
Putting down my thoughts for this journal helps them sink in. I've had deep thoughts before, and in five years I'll likely look back on these thoughts with some humor too. Not dishonor, you should not dishonor where you used to be because it may be the only tangible reason for where you are and what gives you passion. The big difference, and it may be a function of maturity as much as embracing the artistic, is I act on my musings in ways I never did or even thought of before. Acting, writing, and day to day living. I was not happy where I was, and where I came from. There was a moment I knowingly altered direction. It was a small change and felt extremely daring. I suppose there was an awareness of where I'd been and where I could go. Using two meanings of the word, I was fully present to the power of the present.
I have to live in the present, and it seems I am constantly making those little alterations in direction. I must always have been making those incremental changes, totally unawares. I still don't know where the Hell I am going, and I don't give a damn. The beauty of the path is what matters at the moment. The lesser traveled path seems harder when you contemplate the first stride, and you maybe watch your feet a little too closely at first. Then you look around and say, "What in the name of all that is sacred was I thinking about?" That is something that drives me now. If I don't have those moments of wonder I get to feeling blue. Without that feeling of stepping off I get to feeling down.
I despise the D word, it is so over used, mostly as a cop out. Too many of us let feeling dead inside drive us towards conformity. It is a symptom of the least savory aspect of our culture. My typical macho male attitude of refusing to admit to a difficulty saved me. I learned to live instead of medicate. There was a risk involved, and I was aware of it. I also allowed myself to be made miserable by an over-medicated mother who has been one of the living dead for nearly 35 years. I didn't want to be like that or do that to anyone, not ever, no how, no way. I certainly wasn't pleased with where I was either. When your soul is bleak and dying it starts to take the body with it and I was becoming aware of it. I'd like to say I made a deeply informed spiritual decision to change all that. Rather, I figured, "F*** it, what have I got to lose?" I am now slowly gaining strength and health in soul and body though it seems I am proceeding at a headlong pace, because of the 180 degree change in direction. Four years have made a big positive difference for me.
Tying all these thoughts together (finally, you say), I am back to where I started. I'm not real sure of where I am going, don't know what to do. I just know I have to do something. Embrace the leftbrain/rightbrain tension, be open to change, and see where it takes me. It is a type of uncertainty that I love.
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