Damn Spring
Actually June 3rd, 2006. Too maudlin for current postings:
It's too hot in the office to be productive. My mind is wandering all over the place. While meandering a thought hit me. There is nobody who really knows me. That's nothing new, Hell I'm still trying to know me. Like most of us I suspect.
If I vanished tomorrow, there would be a lot of sad people who would miss me deeply. Now, that is a gargantuan change. That is not the thought which did hit me. It was impolite, and it did hit me.
If I vanished tomorrow nobody would be devastated at losing their soul mate. That is half the thought.
There are a large number of people whose departure would tear me up deeply. Some would crush me, like my Dad, Stepmom, siblings, nieces, nephews, and a slew of friends and artists. There is no one person who would leave me devastated. That is the other half.
I've not been looking for a significant other. First it was to avoid the marriage experience I had, then it was because I knew I had to focus and learn to like myself again. Lately, it is because I like the freedom I have. To pursue my passion. Yet I've known for a while it is an excuse. I know too many people making journeys similar to mine that are in committed relationships. The fear of a relationship is not there any longer, or at least not so much as the habit.
I suppose the ache of that mean old thought which hit me is now notably stronger than the fear of getting into another sucky relationship. Even that doesn't worry me too much as I know a shitty relationship wouldn't break me down as it once did.
Spring reminds me of my solitude, and makes all the lovely women I know even lovelier. It also reminds me that plain old getting laid after so long would be pretty nice too. There is my conundrum. Certain things seem to come to me lately, like the opportunity for ETI and maintaining my job, and opening up as an artist. I don't get the courting scene, hence the archaic description. I've no more clue on how to get laid than I do on how to find a possible life partner. So, where should my effort go? Getting laid is nice, but it doesn't have the same appeal as the whole package.
I'm like Launcelot debating with his conscience and fiend in The Merchant Of Venice. 'The fiend is at mine elbow, and tempts me, saying to me,...' "Scott, Get yourself laid." My conscience says "No, wait another decade or two if that is what it takes to find love." Etc. Unlike Launce, I'm more likely to agree with the voice of my conscience (unless it really will be another decade). I worry I'm simply picking the more comfortable path for myself. So, this internal debate will continue to rage. In the meantime, I can't let myself succumb to inertia while I'm arguing priorities.
I just had another thought, but this one made me chuckle heartily. If my nieces or nephews knew us old aunts and uncles still get just as worked up they'd say, "Ewww! Gross!" It's funny because I remember that age very clearly, and I'd of said the same thing. It was like last 4th of July when my nieces and their friends were looking at a photo album and shrieked in horror, "Oh my God! Uncle Scott used to be so hot!" The same realization of horror happened at about the same age when I saw a picture of a babe in a bikini, that turned out to be my mom.
Another old picture story. I was trying to figure out who the really homely girl at my brother's 8th or 9th birthday party was. The picture was several years old at the time, and I couldn't place her. The moment I asked who the "Ugly chick" was I realized it was me when my hair was much longer.
It's too hot in the office to be productive. My mind is wandering all over the place. While meandering a thought hit me. There is nobody who really knows me. That's nothing new, Hell I'm still trying to know me. Like most of us I suspect.
If I vanished tomorrow, there would be a lot of sad people who would miss me deeply. Now, that is a gargantuan change. That is not the thought which did hit me. It was impolite, and it did hit me.
If I vanished tomorrow nobody would be devastated at losing their soul mate. That is half the thought.
There are a large number of people whose departure would tear me up deeply. Some would crush me, like my Dad, Stepmom, siblings, nieces, nephews, and a slew of friends and artists. There is no one person who would leave me devastated. That is the other half.
I've not been looking for a significant other. First it was to avoid the marriage experience I had, then it was because I knew I had to focus and learn to like myself again. Lately, it is because I like the freedom I have. To pursue my passion. Yet I've known for a while it is an excuse. I know too many people making journeys similar to mine that are in committed relationships. The fear of a relationship is not there any longer, or at least not so much as the habit.
I suppose the ache of that mean old thought which hit me is now notably stronger than the fear of getting into another sucky relationship. Even that doesn't worry me too much as I know a shitty relationship wouldn't break me down as it once did.
Spring reminds me of my solitude, and makes all the lovely women I know even lovelier. It also reminds me that plain old getting laid after so long would be pretty nice too. There is my conundrum. Certain things seem to come to me lately, like the opportunity for ETI and maintaining my job, and opening up as an artist. I don't get the courting scene, hence the archaic description. I've no more clue on how to get laid than I do on how to find a possible life partner. So, where should my effort go? Getting laid is nice, but it doesn't have the same appeal as the whole package.
I'm like Launcelot debating with his conscience and fiend in The Merchant Of Venice. 'The fiend is at mine elbow, and tempts me, saying to me,...' "Scott, Get yourself laid." My conscience says "No, wait another decade or two if that is what it takes to find love." Etc. Unlike Launce, I'm more likely to agree with the voice of my conscience (unless it really will be another decade). I worry I'm simply picking the more comfortable path for myself. So, this internal debate will continue to rage. In the meantime, I can't let myself succumb to inertia while I'm arguing priorities.
I just had another thought, but this one made me chuckle heartily. If my nieces or nephews knew us old aunts and uncles still get just as worked up they'd say, "Ewww! Gross!" It's funny because I remember that age very clearly, and I'd of said the same thing. It was like last 4th of July when my nieces and their friends were looking at a photo album and shrieked in horror, "Oh my God! Uncle Scott used to be so hot!" The same realization of horror happened at about the same age when I saw a picture of a babe in a bikini, that turned out to be my mom.
Another old picture story. I was trying to figure out who the really homely girl at my brother's 8th or 9th birthday party was. The picture was several years old at the time, and I couldn't place her. The moment I asked who the "Ugly chick" was I realized it was me when my hair was much longer.
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