Tuesday didn't get any better. No news from the doctor, no role for me in Richard III
, then I got home late, tired, and had a letter waiting from the IRS. They say I owe them $1700 from 2005. Oh goody. I don't trust them a bit, and about all I can do is run it by H&R Block to see if it was an omission on my part or theirs. Probably mine. As I was finally getting to sleep I remembered I was going to file an update for that year anyway for my ETI tuition which will result in a refund more than my alleged underpayment. Somehow it is easier to sleep realizing that instead of paying, you're getting less money back. It's kind of a glass half full situation I suppose.
Not surprisingly sometime Wednesday I got the despairing feeling you get with the blues. Free-floating anxiety or whatever. It seems so obvious now. Most of my life when that feeling came along I escaped into books, and while that worked it was very slow. Very slow indeed. I believed people who were happy on a regular basis were shallow or delusional. Don't know where I could have learned that. It dissipates very slowly when you escape into books. It is mostly passive, despite the beautiful flights of fancy. Back in the last century, it was a momentous occasion when I felt upbeat or happy.
I'm still feeling off from the persistent sore throat, though the evening acid blocker seems to be helping. Or the reduction of caffeine, chocolate, and evening meal size. I've realized I need to start making sack dinners. Otherwise I get home after rehearsal or class and feel famished, so I eat before going to sleep. It's a nice way to rewind, but there's lots of other ways. I've started reading a bit again. Not the obsessive reading of the past, just a few pages. Maybe when you have a life it is easier to put down a book? I enjoy them as much or more. And I did go to class on Wednesday. I felt really awful on Sunday, and worried I might be contagious as well as woozy so I skipped class and napped. I saw Hot Fuzz
that night (terrific fun), but only after I warned my friend I might be contagious. Beth gave me a ride so I didn't have to worry about driving while woozy. When I got that feeling of despair I knew any idea of skipping class on Wednesday was out of the question. I had confirmation from the doc I wasn't contagious so off I went.
In the past I'd have curled in on myself and escaped with a book, hoping for the blues to pass. I wasn't brilliant in class, quite the opposite, but it reconnected me to the world. For so long I had no concept or faith that there was anything you could do to heal yourself.
Lately I've had a bit of unhappy stress. Acknowledged the loss any relationship with my brother. Lost my relationship with my sister in law. What relationship I had with their kids seems to be gone. Despite claims I suspect their parents have seen to that, either by edict or manipulation. Knowing our family history I assume the latter. They desperately need someone besides themselves to blame since their parents aren't able to be supportive. If I can serve that role in absentia so be it. It is not an uncle's desired place, but that's okay. Their sanity is more important than my preconceived notions of being supportive. It doesn't make it easy, they are all important relationships to me.
Short term stresses are not getting cast in Shakespeare, being sick, and the IRS. I don't get cast all the time and I'm about over it. When I'm told I wasn't cast I get past it immediately, or in a day if it was a show I was really interested in. When they don't have decency or guts to let you know, it takes me about a week longer. I understand that is normal for places like New York, so if I ever went there I'd have to learn out how to deal with it better. Usually the disappointment is minor but piled on top of a rough spot it grows in significance. The IRS thing reminded me I actually have money coming.
It used to be so easy to obsess about things like that. Now I get busy with things to make me feel better. Work on my professional skills for either my day job or theatre. Start auditioning -- now there's a conundrum which I'll come back to. If there's time, clean up around my house. Write. I've been doing that here mostly, but that is about to change a bit. Part of what I'll come back to. The point is that feeling of despair is something I know can be addressed, and the more I do so the more ways I find to help me get out of the abyss.
This is mundane stuff for me now. I'm one of those disgusting people who's usually happy now. As I'm pulling myself up by my bootstraps it's good to remember how it used to be. Even that helps me get back to where I want to be.
So, I'll come back to the auditioning conundrum and writing like a said. Auditions can be nerve-wracking, especially when like me you need to do a lot of work on auditioning skills. I'm slowly getting to the point where I'm able to look forward to auditions and seeing myself build the skills. Overall it is becoming a positive thing. Still, I'm going to give it a break this Summer. Decided that Wednesday. I'm taking four months of nearly continuous minor illnesses as a cosmic hint. I really pushed myself last year and my entire being is craving recuperation. There are some things I need to get started on. My house. My writing. Equally important I think.
Again on Wednesday, I solved part of the problem in my mind. I've a large trailer, a park trailer. Part travel trailer, part mobile home. Uses residential hookups and more suited to constant habitation. I bought it for my Mom, and I just don't want to deal with it. Charity. Doh. I'll donate it, unless one of my friends with property wants it, and would let me live in it for a year or two sometime. It would make a dandy guest cottage as it uses residential type hookups. Either option seems more appealing than selling it. If I donate it I'd like to find an arts related entity that could use it. I was thinking of Katrina but don't know if transportation would make it too much trouble.
Writing. My writing blog has the start of a piece that unjammed me. I'll put more of my effort into that. I know I'll come back to acting, as I'm driven. There's a lesser drive for writing, but it is there all the same. I'll continue blogging, which I often use like now to raise my spirits. The three projects I have going now all carry the possibility of great emotional stress. So, I'll need to share some of that. The first piece is the one my other blog, the autobiographical piece. The journey from delight to despair to delight in my life. That middle part, the interesting bit, is the part that gets to me. The second is the thinly allegorical piece about the paid informer from the 50's. I actually ordered extra copies of books. His confessional autobiography printed in '55, I've four copies. One for reading and marking, one for my collection, and two for scrap-booking. Two copies of an account by his publisher of producing the book, one for reading marking up, one for scrap-booking. I need to understand and connect to a great part of his world before I take artistic license. My third project is a multi-generational piece of an addiction ravaged family. Driven by my experience, but not auto-biographical. Then there are three old projects I want to do more work on, two needing parts rewritten, and the other the second half.
Spending more time around the house getting things cleaned an repaired will not only make it a more pleasant place for me, but will make it easier to move if my wanderlust persists.
Right now it is 6:30pm on Friday, and very quiet around Expedia. Most people have left for the weekend. It's a little contrary on my part but I like it. If I've a little work to do it is a perfect time. If I want to blog same thing. And...
The main reason I may blog less. I'm sick of paying hundreds of dollars a year for internet service, to get the questionable opportunity of working from home after hours. I was commenting on BD's blog
about the fact that we are number 15 in the world for the percentage of people on broad band. The power of american capitalism. We should be number 1. But, keeping prices artificially high keeps profits up and the number of employees to provide support down. Screw that I said, and at that moment decided this would be my last week. I'm cancelling home service. I surf the news and such, which I can do a couple times at work and not lose anything. I want to control my computers, not serve them. If I want to connect I can drive the twenty minutes to work or walk/drive to a coffee shop with a wireless connection. Like cable tv, I don't think I'll miss it after a day or two. I can still do any coding I want to play with, and mostly I want to write and I can do that better without the distraction of breaking news. I'll have too keep a pad for words and facts I want to look up, which will be a new habit but it sounds fun. Now it sounds fun. I'll let you know how it works. I already like the idea of writing some blog stuff and bringing floppies to work. Nearly obsolete technology barely ten years old.
Oh, I laughed at me last night. I picked up some sliced chicken for a small meal before rehearsal. And a dark chocolate bar. It had marzipan. Nothing I'm avoiding, except a little sugar. No problem. I ate up, chased it with white grapefruit juice, another treat for me. I don't like the sweeter pink grapefruit juice -- too syrupy and bland. Then I started jabbering at David and caught myself. That marzipan didn't have a little sugar, it had a lot. I haven't had that much sugar at one time since I started the detox diet last August. A new experience. I was like a toddler loaded with sugar running around the dining room table at full tilt. I don't remember noticing a sugar rush when I was a kid, we didn't talk about them, and a kid is just a kid. You're 'being', not 'analyzing'. I had a giant sugar rush and after analyzing, I tried to recapture that little kid experience. After all, it's an actors job. I crashed hard an hour later. Luckily the crash happened after my first scene, so I had a couple hours to get close to an even keel again. Note to self, don't ever do that for any other show.