Getting Down On Me
I had a follow-up visit with the orthopaedic surgeon this morning. Healing nicely, and I can start putting as much weight as I want on the leg. I've been doing that for a bit anyway, but in talking to the doctor I confirmed this means I can push into more painful areas. That is what I was hoping, sort of. I don't love pain by any means, but not being overly limited by it is a cheerful thing.
Couple interesting things, for me anyway. The swelling is still normal, the edema is a function of the bone healing, and the fact that it reduces so quickly when I elevate the leg indicates there are no circulation problems. Well, none with the mechanics. A great deal of the swelling is of course due to the fact my muscles are not yet working enough to pump the blood and such back out of the leg. (For those without biology degrees or trivia, the foot and leg muscles pump the blood back out of the legs, and the valves in the veins keep it from draining back. That is why people with sedentary jobs tend to have varicose vein more often, the blood doesn't get pumped enough.) I'll be working on getting those muscles back in shape, including getting my stationary bicycle moved to where I can use it easily.
The other thing was a probable cause of the terrific pop I felt in the leg three or so weeks back. It turns out it was actually a good thing. The set screw in the rod goes into a slot which allows a little play. The little bit of weight I had on the leg at the time was enough to encourage the bone to compress. The big startling and brief smarting occurred as the bone ends came closer together. That reduced the gap, allowing the bone to heal faster. I'll certainly take a close look at the first and follow up x-rays to see if there is a discernable closing in the fracture line. In six weeks when I have the next follow-up the fracture lines should be completely closed.
Monday I met with Greg, talking about my theatre idea. He brought up some questions and ideas which got me thinking and focused. I'm still cogitating, and will likely write more. Last night as I was going to sleep I found myself thinking, "What the Hell am I doing with this acting stuff? There's better talent out there, you've got the personal growth you needed for so long, life is short. Blah, blah blah." It really pissed me off. I know part of it is the fact I've been on the shelf for a while thanks to the leg. I also know theatre is a part of me I could not give up. More than anything I figure it is apprehension over trying to get an ensemble going. In talking to Greg I realized that is my primary near term goal, something I am hungry for, and want very badly for my enjoyment and growth as an artist. Like Kipley was saying on the 29th, internal doubts find their loudest voices when I am working on something.
So, what do I do with the apprehension? Chase it like it was my tail. I have been well served by pursuing things which scared me most. I found out there is a big gulf between actually being over my head, and feeling like I am getting in over my head. At some level I am a very cautious fellow, so I need to move well beyond my comfort level. I may never get this ensemble going, but if wait until I'm at ease with the idea the chances are zero, rather than a possibility or even a probability.